My family is the biggest example of support that I can think of. Ever since I was little, my parents and siblings and grandparents did what they could to be at every show, concert, performance, etc. that they possible could. I have vivid memories of my poor brother coming to every ballet recital and Nutcracker show.

We went to track meets, jazz concerts, choir concerts, band concerts, plays, recitals, performances, the list goes on and on. It was so wonderful to watch my siblings do the things they loved, and I loved performing knowing that my family was watching.

A couple specific instances of learning about love and support come to my mind. My mom always signed up to help and volunteered to do extra to make the shows go well. She ran the entire elementary school Olympics for years, coordinating all the volunteers and making sure everything went smoothly. My dad helped her run this, and took the entire day off of work to work the stopwatch and help do the calculations of the winners. My dad also took charge of the chess tournament during school, and made sure everyone had a good time.

My mom came to almost every single tech rehearsal and dress rehearsal, and almost every performance for my entire ballet career. I cherish so much the times we ran to get dinner together and talked about the show, or she brought me a snack and we sat quietly together in the hallways of the Val Browning Center.

I remember one time during my senior year of high school, my sisters were still doing the Nutcracker, but I was unable to because I had chosen to be in the musical at the high school. My mom would be working backstage during the Nutcracker so she would only be able to come see two or three nights of my show, instead of all five nights, which was fine and still beyond kind.

But my dad came to my last show, bearing flowers. He had gone to see my sisters in the Nutcracker the night before, and had made time to come see my show too, even though he didn’t have to, he’d already seen it with my mom the week before.

Love means supporting people when they’re doing the things they love. It means when your friend invites you to a strange poetry reading that she’s performing at, you go. It means when you can, taking time to go to that art museum, or taking a look at a paper or website or book.

I learned this lesson so much from my family, and again from my sweet husband who has always been so incredibly supportive.

Have you ever seen that office episode where Jim and Pam get married? At the beginning of the episode, Pam talks about how they need to take “mental pictures” throughout the day to try and remember everything.

I love this idea so much.

I have had several moments where I have taken “mental pictures” to try and remember a feeling, and it has taught me so much about love.

For me, love is combined with nostalgia. I get made fun of all the time for being the person who loves thinking about the past and making a big deal out of the little details, but for me, love is about remembering those mental picture moments.

The moment Randy and I drove to the front runner station, listening to music, my feet on the dash, and I thought I would burst.

Sitting in the back of my friend’s jeep during freshman year of college, giggling and telling stories, going to get donuts late at night.

Camping with my family and eating caramel popcorn in my grandma’s trailer, smelling the smoke from the fire.

Running through City Creek eating chicken nuggets on the way to a Christmas concert.

Driving to the temple on my wedding day, blasting Bad Blood by Taylor Swift for no reason at all.

Playing house with my sisters every, single day of summer break.

Staying up late chatting with my parents about this or that, or nothing at all.

Holding my sweet niece for the first time.

Love is keeping those moments special, and knowing that part of love is remembering, and part of love is moving forward. It’s finding the balance between looking in the past, and having it propel your future.

Love has taught me that it’s not bad that I’m a nostalgic person, but that it’s a way for me to keep those feelings in my heart. And having love in your heart is never a bad thing.

It’s always fun that Randy and I got engaged during February, I get to kick of my celebration of “love month” with a great reminder of the beginning of our forever love.

Randy and I knew we were going to get married. We had looked at rings and I had identified a few styles that I loved, trusting him to make the final decision.

Crazy Utah summer wedding season meant we had already put money down on some elements for our wedding so we could get venues and vendors that we wanted, for the weekend we wanted.

Randy had talked to my dad, and I knew that he had.

To be honest, I had woken up every morning for the week prior, and had immediately texted Randy, teasing and asking if we would get engaged that day.

I knew I was going to say yes.

But I learned a very important lesson when I actually said yes.

Love requires risk.

I was absolutely certain of my decision when Randy and I got engaged, but that didn’t mean there wasn’t a risk. There’s always a risk. There was a slight risk when Randy asked, that I would say no. Even if he knew I would say yes, there’s always that chance.

I knew that I would love Randy forever and that he would be good to me. I knew we would be happy. But we were young, Randy had only been home for a few months, there were some people who weren’t too happy about our decision. All of these were risk factors.

And we moved forward, willing to grab that risk and let love take control.

Now obviously, there are some risks that aren’t worth love, or what you think is love. There are so many cases of abuse where people think they’re just taking a risk, when really what is going on isn’t love.

But in healthy, good relationships there are always risks. Risks of being vulnerable, of hurting them, of them hurting you. Between parents and children, spouses, friends, there are always these reasons to say no. To stay away from the risk. But then, you take the chance of never truly being happy.

I’m so glad that I learned about love and risk that day, 2 years ago, when Randy got down on one knee. I took the risk that day, and said yes. And I will forever be so grateful that I did.

The first lesson on love that I really remember happened when I was really little, probably 3 or 4 at the most. I was invited to a birthday party at my good friend’s house, just a couple houses down from where my family lived. I walked over with my parents and then they left. Just a few minutes into the party I was overwhelmed and scared. There were so many adults that I didn’t know, my friend had her aunts and uncles invited, a bunch of her other friends and cousins that I didn’t know, and all I could feel was panic and fear. I just wanted to be home.

I have been wracking my brain trying to figure out something cool and clever to do for February. I absolutely love Valentine’s Day, and all the heart decorations and the gushy mushy stuff. I have blogger friends who do guest posts all month which is so wonderful, I have blogger friends who tell their story during this month, I have blogger friends who do series about the history of love or the types of love, I’ve done different things I love in the past, just none of them stuck or jumped out at me this year.

Until last night, when in a moment of sadness and vulnerability, I learned an important lesson about love. I’ll be sharing more of that latter, but this year I want to do at least 14 days, if not a month, about all the lessons love has taught me, or people I love. It should be fantastic and I’m so excited.

I won’t officially start now, I’ll just say that some of the most valuable lessons about love that I’ve learned have come from my darling husband. He is everything.

Stay tuned for Lessons On Love!

We got a piano! Pictures to come soon but I had a BLAST on Friday rearranging some things, Randy is in heaven playing constantly, it’s a good thing. HUGE thanks to Caleb and Nannette for selling it to us for a steal!

Randy and I spent the weekend having a blast. Friday we went to dinner with our cute next-door neighbor before she moved away, then had a very chill night of talking and listening to music.

Saturday we woke up early and went up to Kaysville where we spent time with both of our families, did some photos and video for one of my clients which is always so fun, and saw my sister in the Davis High One Act Play Festival. Let me tell you, that girl can ACT. I am consistently blown away by her performances! That night we stopped by our friend’s house in SLC on the way home and played games and jammed, which is always a blast.

Sunday we taught Sunday School and had an extremely relaxed, but productive, afternoon. We then had Caleb and Nannette over for curry night, and watched a movie.

I have been bad at updating, so here we go!

Things Randy and I have done so far in 2017:

Lots of laundry
Visiting family and friends
A heart-breaking Jazz game with my family (we lost by ONE at the buzzer)
Cooked lots of yummy food
Gone to dinners and baked cookies and had birthday parties with friends
Tried The Baked Bear (delicious!)
Worked and worked and worked
Cleaned and cleaned and cleaned
Randy started at the U and LOVES IT (he is still a die-hard BYU fan though, don’t worry!)
Taught Sunday School
Randy has gone to lots of Presidency meetings
Done photo shoots and freelance work
Cozied up in our apartment during snowstorms

And more.

Basically January has been good to us so far, can’t wait to see what the rest of 2017 will bring!

I know many of you. You’re my good friends who I love to pieces. You’re my co-worker, my high school pal, my college classmate.

Some of you are doing everything you possibly can. And it’s painful and it’s so hard. And my heart feels so much for you. It’s not an easy road for anyone.

But others are in a limbo, stuck. Their hearts are stuck.

You’re the ones who are acting like you don’t care. Dating the wrong girl or the wrong guy. Looking for love and belonging and safety anywhere you can find it.

You can’t figure out why you can’t find the right person.

You want to be cool, recognized, independent, not tied down. But at the same moment you want the comfort and consistency of something else. Something deeper. But the deeper you go, the scarier it is.

You are always wondering if there’s someone better; better looking, better acting, better for you, better for your image.

You’re not willing to let go of the past sometimes. And sometimes you’re not willing to let go of a future “what if.”

You’re dating that guy or that girl, and they don’t treat you right. And you know it. But being needed and having someone is better than being alone. You wonder if anyone else would even want you anyway.

You’re in limbo. You’re waiting. But you’re not sure what’s worth the wait, or what you’re even waiting for.

Let me tell you what’s worth waiting for.

It’s worth waiting for someone who will not just be by your side, but will carry you when you stumble. Someone who sees the best in you, and who makes you want to live up to that every single day. Someone who loves the ugly parts of you. Someone who pushes you to improve, but accepts you for who you are at the exact same time.

There’s a moment, a feeling. It comes when you’re laying in bed, watching their outline in the moonlight. They’re playing guitar and singing softly and you can’t help but feel like you could burst. Because everything is beyond perfect.

It comes when you are driving and you look over and see them, and they’re just talking, and your heart smiles. Because this is what heaven looks like.

It comes when you watch them love your family, chat with your siblings and laugh with your parents, chase your nieces and nephews and cousins around. And your mom tears up when she tells you that they’re such a good person.

It comes as you hear them pray for you so sincerely and earnestly.

It comes when you realize that they will be an amazing mom or dad. And that you want to watch them be that.

It comes after a bad day of school or work when they support and help you and don’t let you give up when you want to.

It comes as you are so completely totally yourself, that you realize you truly weren’t yourself ever before. They make you, you.

It comes when your favorite thing about them isn’t their looks or their talents, but their goodness, and they way they make you feel.

It comes in notes and texts and phone calls filled with encouragement and strength.

The moments like these make every single second you spent without them bearable.

I wish someone had told me these things when I my heart was stuck. I wish someone had told me to stop it. Stop wasting time and energy on someone you know doesn’t treat you right. Stop being the person who is too shallow or impatient or caught up in being popular or cool. Stop selling yourself short. Stop thinking that you don’t need to look for the right person, stop thinking that all these things aren’t factors because you just want to have a good time.

This is for real now. This is for keeps. And every single person you be with may not be the right person, but they can make you better and stronger. And they are all leading up to the big finish.

I wish that I could explain to you how worth it it is. It’s worth it to give up some things. It’s worth it to be the “old married couple.” It’s worth it to not have “fun” by the standards of others. Because you have something that is personally perfect. It’s everything.

It’s worth it to choose right now that you are going to find them. And once you find them, it’s worth it to choose them every single solitary day.

Being in a serious relationship or being married isn’t always easy. And people make mistakes, no relationship is flawless.

My relationship now isn’t flawless. It never will be.

But it is beyond my wildest dreams.

Your heart doesn’t have to be stuck. It can be open to anyone regardless of what your first impression of them is. It can be open to someone you wouldn’t normally consider. It can be ready and waiting and loving and kind. It can look beyond the exterior. It can lead you in the right direction even if it means being hurt. It can help you get into good, healthy relationships.

And eventually the one, right, flawed but oh, so perfect relationship.

I feel inadequate to write today, because I don’t really know if I have anything to say. Normally I would write a piece of advice or a list of helpful topics, but I don’t think I’m qualified to do that right now. I feel like a whiner which I don’t want to be, but I need to let the thoughts of my head out. Oh if only that all made sense! Sometimes things just aren’t what you wanted or thought and you have to figure out how to be OK with that anyway. Sometimes you want to help and lift but you have to figure out how to get yourself off the ground too. And sometimes you want to be a better person but you can’t figure out how to even be a regular person, let alone a better one.

And sometimes words come pouring out of your fingertips that you didn’t expect, and you realize all over again the therapy that is writing.

The sound of the keyboard can be so soothing.

Lately life has thrown me all the curve balls.

I keep telling myself I’m getting an opportunity to be stronger, more sympathetic and empathetic, learning how to be vulnerable.

But I only believe that 44% of the time.

The rest of the time I can’t figure out why everything is throwing me for a loop, why things that a year ago would have been “whatever” are now large hurdles for me.

It’s not an easy thing to explain to myself, let alone to other people. It’s not even an easy thing for me to comprehend really.

So this is all that I know.

My heart couldn’t hold these words anymore so here they are spilling incoherently onto the keyboard. It’s helpful to feel it pouring out, but at the same time I know it doesn’t solve everything, or even anything.

But maybe things don’t need to be solved. Sometimes things are just things and life is just life and you wake up tomorrow and hope it’s a good day. And then you do it all over again.

If you’ve managed to stumble through this post, thank you. If you haven’t, that’s ok too. I don’t even know if it was meant for people to read since it’s a jumbled up mess, but hopefully I’ve emptied the load in my fingers and in my heart and something more sensible can take the space.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/molly-sprayregen/the-brain-on-23_b_6046888.html  

^That article is fantastic. Though I don’t relate to it on many levels, it gave me all the feels. I was just able to read it for the first time without sobbing, there’s a thing.

So maybe everything is getting better.

sigh of relief

During our whole time dating, Randy and I would play a game. We would say “Ok, four years from now, what does our life look like?” We picked 4 years randomly, but it also had something to do with the fact that Randy would probably be home from a mission by then. We talked about what our lives would maybe look like if things went according to plan.

We talked about if we would live in Provo or Salt Lake or Logan or somewhere else entirely, what would we be doing in school, where we would go for dinner, who we would hang out with on the weekends, things like that. It always involved us being together, and dreaming what else life would have in store for us.

This game holds some of my favorite memories from our entire time dating.

4 years ago today, I didn’t want to play the game. I didn’t know what was ahead, and it was so scary because for the first time I was playing by myself, and the 4 years seemed further away than ever.

I wish I could have caught a glimpse of what 4 years down the road was. It was me married to the love of my life, living in a cozy apartment, so happy to be together and in love. It’s turned out to be what I always dreamed and hoped, and so much more.

I’m so grateful that 4 years ago Randy and I said goodbye, so grateful that he spent an amazing 2 years serving in Japan, and so grateful for every single piece of our story.