I know many of you. You’re my good friends who I love to pieces. You’re my co-worker, my high school pal, my college classmate.

Some of you are doing everything you possibly can. And it’s painful and it’s so hard. And my heart feels so much for you. It’s not an easy road for anyone.

But others are in a limbo, stuck. Their hearts are stuck.

You’re the ones who are acting like you don’t care. Dating the wrong girl or the wrong guy. Looking for love and belonging and safety anywhere you can find it.

You can’t figure out why you can’t find the right person.

You want to be cool, recognized, independent, not tied down. But at the same moment you want the comfort and consistency of something else. Something deeper. But the deeper you go, the scarier it is.

You are always wondering if there’s someone better; better looking, better acting, better for you, better for your image.

You’re not willing to let go of the past sometimes. And sometimes you’re not willing to let go of a future “what if.”

You’re dating that guy or that girl, and they don’t treat you right. And you know it. But being needed and having someone is better than being alone. You wonder if anyone else would even want you anyway.

You’re in limbo. You’re waiting. But you’re not sure what’s worth the wait, or what you’re even waiting for.

Let me tell you what’s worth waiting for.

It’s worth waiting for someone who will not just be by your side, but will carry you when you stumble. Someone who sees the best in you, and who makes you want to live up to that every single day. Someone who loves the ugly parts of you. Someone who pushes you to improve, but accepts you for who you are at the exact same time.

There’s a moment, a feeling. It comes when you’re laying in bed, watching their outline in the moonlight. They’re playing guitar and singing softly and you can’t help but feel like you could burst. Because everything is beyond perfect.

It comes when you are driving and you look over and see them, and they’re just talking, and your heart smiles. Because this is what heaven looks like.

It comes when you watch them love your family, chat with your siblings and laugh with your parents, chase your nieces and nephews and cousins around. And your mom tears up when she tells you that they’re such a good person.

It comes as you hear them pray for you so sincerely and earnestly.

It comes when you realize that they will be an amazing mom or dad. And that you want to watch them be that.

It comes after a bad day of school or work when they support and help you and don’t let you give up when you want to.

It comes as you are so completely totally yourself, that you realize you truly weren’t yourself ever before. They make you, you.

It comes when your favorite thing about them isn’t their looks or their talents, but their goodness, and they way they make you feel.

It comes in notes and texts and phone calls filled with encouragement and strength.

The moments like these make every single second you spent without them bearable.

I wish someone had told me these things when I my heart was stuck. I wish someone had told me to stop it. Stop wasting time and energy on someone you know doesn’t treat you right. Stop being the person who is too shallow or impatient or caught up in being popular or cool. Stop selling yourself short. Stop thinking that you don’t need to look for the right person, stop thinking that all these things aren’t factors because you just want to have a good time.

This is for real now. This is for keeps. And every single person you be with may not be the right person, but they can make you better and stronger. And they are all leading up to the big finish.

I wish that I could explain to you how worth it it is. It’s worth it to give up some things. It’s worth it to be the “old married couple.” It’s worth it to not have “fun” by the standards of others. Because you have something that is personally perfect. It’s everything.

It’s worth it to choose right now that you are going to find them. And once you find them, it’s worth it to choose them every single solitary day.

Being in a serious relationship or being married isn’t always easy. And people make mistakes, no relationship is flawless.

My relationship now isn’t flawless. It never will be.

But it is beyond my wildest dreams.

Your heart doesn’t have to be stuck. It can be open to anyone regardless of what your first impression of them is. It can be open to someone you wouldn’t normally consider. It can be ready and waiting and loving and kind. It can look beyond the exterior. It can lead you in the right direction even if it means being hurt. It can help you get into good, healthy relationships.

And eventually the one, right, flawed but oh, so perfect relationship.

I feel inadequate to write today, because I don’t really know if I have anything to say. Normally I would write a piece of advice or a list of helpful topics, but I don’t think I’m qualified to do that right now. I feel like a whiner which I don’t want to be, but I need to let the thoughts of my head out. Oh if only that all made sense! Sometimes things just aren’t what you wanted or thought and you have to figure out how to be OK with that anyway. Sometimes you want to help and lift but you have to figure out how to get yourself off the ground too. And sometimes you want to be a better person but you can’t figure out how to even be a regular person, let alone a better one.

And sometimes words come pouring out of your fingertips that you didn’t expect, and you realize all over again the therapy that is writing.

The sound of the keyboard can be so soothing.

Lately life has thrown me all the curve balls.

I keep telling myself I’m getting an opportunity to be stronger, more sympathetic and empathetic, learning how to be vulnerable.

But I only believe that 44% of the time.

The rest of the time I can’t figure out why everything is throwing me for a loop, why things that a year ago would have been “whatever” are now large hurdles for me.

It’s not an easy thing to explain to myself, let alone to other people. It’s not even an easy thing for me to comprehend really.

So this is all that I know.

My heart couldn’t hold these words anymore so here they are spilling incoherently onto the keyboard. It’s helpful to feel it pouring out, but at the same time I know it doesn’t solve everything, or even anything.

But maybe things don’t need to be solved. Sometimes things are just things and life is just life and you wake up tomorrow and hope it’s a good day. And then you do it all over again.

If you’ve managed to stumble through this post, thank you. If you haven’t, that’s ok too. I don’t even know if it was meant for people to read since it’s a jumbled up mess, but hopefully I’ve emptied the load in my fingers and in my heart and something more sensible can take the space.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/molly-sprayregen/the-brain-on-23_b_6046888.html  

^That article is fantastic. Though I don’t relate to it on many levels, it gave me all the feels. I was just able to read it for the first time without sobbing, there’s a thing.

So maybe everything is getting better.

sigh of relief

During our whole time dating, Randy and I would play a game. We would say “Ok, four years from now, what does our life look like?” We picked 4 years randomly, but it also had something to do with the fact that Randy would probably be home from a mission by then. We talked about what our lives would maybe look like if things went according to plan.

We talked about if we would live in Provo or Salt Lake or Logan or somewhere else entirely, what would we be doing in school, where we would go for dinner, who we would hang out with on the weekends, things like that. It always involved us being together, and dreaming what else life would have in store for us.

This game holds some of my favorite memories from our entire time dating.

4 years ago today, I didn’t want to play the game. I didn’t know what was ahead, and it was so scary because for the first time I was playing by myself, and the 4 years seemed further away than ever.

I wish I could have caught a glimpse of what 4 years down the road was. It was me married to the love of my life, living in a cozy apartment, so happy to be together and in love. It’s turned out to be what I always dreamed and hoped, and so much more.

I’m so grateful that 4 years ago Randy and I said goodbye, so grateful that he spent an amazing 2 years serving in Japan, and so grateful for every single piece of our story.

New Year’s Eve was very relaxed and fun, Randy and I spent a lot of the break feeling sick, so it was awesome to spend the night eating delicious food, playing games and watching movies.

I’ve spent the last couple days thinking about what this new year means for me and for our family. I’ve thought about the past year, the person I was, and the person I want to be.

So I made a list of resolutions like I do most years, but this year I wanted there to be almost a theme to overlook who I want to be and how I want to live in 2017. It was as I was teaching Sunday School that it came to me: Don’t Be Adequate, Be Extraordinary.

I want to spend this year being kinder, attending the temple regularly, reading more books, and being happier. I just haven’t been able to stop thinking about how I’m adequate at a lot of things, and it’s time to be extraordinary. I want to be an extraordinary friend, an extraordinary wife, employee, coworker, teacher, daughter, sister, and more. It’s so easy to slip into adequacy. And from there it’s easy to slip into nothingness.

So for me this year, it’s about pushing past doing so-so, being OK, being content. I want to push myself to be the best I can possibly be.

Happy 2017 to you all, it’s going to be a great year!

I love the idea of fresh beginnings and clean pages. And I hope that’s what 2017 has in store. 2016 was a year full of lots of fun travels, time spent with family and friends celebrating milestones, and quiet nights with Randy and I just living our routine. It was a crunchy and complicated year, filled with big choices and changes, trials and moments of courage. It required more of me than most years have. But it’s one that I have learned to be grateful for, and it’s certainly one I won’t forget.

So here’s to a new year with new trials and exciting features. And here’s to my decision to face this year head on and love it like crazy, no matter what.

Christmas 2016 was a dream. So much a dream that I didn’t take pictures, of course. Cuz I’m the worst. I have a beautiful camera and was planning on filming the whole thing and whoops. It was out of battery. So I snapped a couple pictures, that’s it.

Our Christmas has consisted of:

Seeing Rogue One (which was INCREDIBLE. I love love love loved it.)
Spending SO MUCH time with family and loving it (especially our adorable niece. She’s SO cute.)
A bachelorette party for me (woot woot Sarrie!)
Work (blah)
A wonderful Christmas Eve filled with spending time with both of our families, delicious food, opening books (our family Christmas tradition) reading our family Christmas book, and getting an AWESOME game that is a card game OF OUR FAMILY. It was SO AWESOME.
Christmas day started early with the Stocking Exchange and lots of presents and candy, watching Candace open some presents which was SO cute to see! I got spoiled rotten with a KATE SPADE BAG, a new planner, clothes, shoes books, movies, a temple picture, a new bathroom rug, and more!
We then went over to Randy’s family and they spoiled us absolutely rotten! We loved eating breakfast and playing, then going to church with them. We spent more time with family and extended family that evening which is a blast.
Seeing La La Land (which was the best movie I have seen all year. No exaggeration.)
Playing so many games!
A crazy fun wedding (Yay Grey and Sarrie!)
Playing in the snow
Seeing the Layton lights with our cute niece
So much love for family and for each other
Remembering Jesus Christ

Christmas is my favorite holiday and it’s absolutely wonderful. I love everything about it and think it’s just the best time of year. Everyone is so loving and kind, and we get to spend time remembering Jesus Christ and why He came to earth, His life, and His death.

Merry Christmas to you all! I hope you had the best time, and I hope the New Year is wonderful!

 

I’m so excited for Christmas and I’ve already loved all the time I have gotten to spend with my amazing family! Happy Holidays everyone!

This weekend was a very fun, Christmasy weekend!

Friday night Randy and I watched Christmas With The Kranks with Grey and Sarrie and had Christmas cookies, we stayed up and talked super late and danced around our apartment, it was a blast!

Saturday we woke up to go do a photoshoot with one of my clients, and I love how the photos turned out! Here’s a little sneak peek:

We spent the day in Kaysville doing laundry and letting Randy study (finals week is coming friends!) We then jetted off to Bombay House to have dinner with my cousin and his girlfriend before the MoTab Christmas Concert!

The concert was AMAZING. So many beautiful Christmas songs performed by incredibly talented people. The dancers that came up and down the aisles were wonderful, the stories and the sets were incredible, and the music just took my breath away. There was a piece where three organists played at the same time which I loved, all of it was just amazing. We also were sitting really close to Mitt and Ann Romney, as well as Governor Herbert! It was so awesome to see them both there.

Sunday we had the laziest day ever so Randy could study study study, and I could watch the Holiday Baking Championships and catch up on some reading. All in all, it was an incredibly awesome weekend! But Christmas is COMING SO FAST. We gotta buckle up and get some presents purchased and get a move on!

It just occurred to me I needed to do a weekend update from LAST weekend! Oops.

Friday we went to City Creek and met one of my favorite vloggers! I love watching Ellie and Jared vlogs and meeting Jared was so awesome!

We went to sushi with Caleb and Nannette and had a reallly interesting experience. Really bad service and long story short, we were in the restaurant for roughly 2 hours.

Saturday we woke up bright and early to go to the Festival of Trees. This is one of my favorite Christmas traditions with my family! We get to see lots of gorgeous trees and eat treats and just have a blast. It was so much fun! Afterwards we went to Texas Roadhouse and laughed and chatted and had the best time. I just love my family!

Saturday night I threw Courtney a bachelorette party and it was so much fun!!! We had a blast, there were tons of treats and of course “The Husband” cake from The Chocolate (one of my favorite things EVER and Courtney’s favorite cake)

It’s an In N Out Tree so naturally we had to get a picture