It’s been a while! Hmmm what to say? What to say? Things are pretty good! Stressful as always, but that’s nothing new. Drama with the Halloween dance, but that’s nothing new! I think it’s all figured out. I’m looking forward to General Conference! I’ve always gotten the challenge to go in with one specific thing in mind, and I’ve usually gone in to Conference with a million things bounching in my brain. This time I think I’m going to narrow it down to one specific thing to really listen for. Anywho….that’s about it!
So things are crazy crazy busy! Studying for AP art history, doing things for English and DTV, working on productions and trying to keep everything else in place. It’s hard. I’m still feeling like I’m being replaced in basically every aspect of my life. In productions I’m not the dancer any more, in school I’m not the smartest, in DTV I’m not the go-to person, in ballet I’m not any better or any worse than anybody else, and I’m not in Nutcracker. My sister has the part I could have if I were. It’s hard watching other people live what I thought was my life. Oh well. I’ll get over it. Right?
So I found a cute list of things that someone needs to be prepared for if they’re going to be with me 🙂
-A million questions
-Walks in the rain
-Acceptance of the real me
So I got a 31 on the ACT. Again. Again. Again. I needed a 33. And I didn’t get it. I’m not taking it again. I’ll just have to hope that it’s good enough to get me an ok scholarship. I’m disappointed yes, but because I expected more from myself. Not because anybody expected anything else from me.
This weekend was AMAZING. We performed at the Performing Arts concert. After singing Homeward Bound for the first time on-stage, we walked off as a class. For the first time. No competition, nothing else mattered. We were together and that was good enough. I was so relieved. I never thought we were going to get there. Then we had a crazy fun part at Becca’s after, with lots more singing and dancing and launching people off bean bag chairs. It was a perfect night. And then Saturday was full of funny blocking and being too loud at Wingers and more performing. Then a party where it wasn’t as fun. I realized why I love my friends and those other people were a small chapter in my life. They don’t deserve another chapter. There are some of them that will cross over to the rest of my story. And a lot more that won’t. So we ended up going to Cemetary Park and talking and talking and laughing and couple creeping. And being scared about the future. But it was great.
Then Sunday I got a calling and got set apart. And I’m terrified but so excited at the same time. I realized that there are some things I really have to work on but that it’s ok, that I am ready and that everything is going to be fine.
Long story short…
I’m not perfect. I’m never going to be. I might not turn out how you want. But you raised me well. I have a testiomony. I’m not supid all the time. I get good grades. I have talents and use them. I’m myself and proud of it. Isn’t that what you wanted in the first place?
So Randy and I went on a walk. On Lagoon Trail. And I maybe kinda, sorta, told this old man we were getting married. He asked if we were boyfriend and girlfriend. Randy said yes, and I said, “Yes, actually we’re getting married in a few weeks.” The cute old man was so excited for us. He told us stories about his marriage and how when marriage gets tough, you just get down and pray. Randy and I were almost laughing the whole time, but it was actually great advice.
Then today we went to the temple and it was PACKED. But it was a really great time. I think all of the drama dust is settling and things are ok. It just goes to show you that you can have the worst day of your life one day, and the next day can be the best day of your life.
Also….I am addicted to pintrest. So I am posting some of my very favorite quotes from it 🙂
When a girl falls asleep texting you, it doesn’t mean she’s bored. It means she didn’t want to stop the conversation.
If he doesn’t chase you when you walk away, keep walking.
Wait for the boy who would do anything to be your everything.
Real men never stop showing a girl how much she means to him, even after he’s got her.
I’m the kind of girl that when I cry, I cry. When I fall for someone, I fall too hard. People tell me I’m too intense when it comes to my emotions. I’ll do anything to be around you. I don’t always look perfect and sometimes I’m insecure. And I may have my flaws, but I’ll love you better than anyone else ever could.
The worst thing about being lied to is knowing you weren’t worth the truth.
So I’m super sick of everyone being dramatic. Randy and I are together. Deal with it. I’m blissfully happy. Deal with it. Not everyone is going to be perfect and I get that, but I sure didn’t expect you to be the person to walk out of the room, and virtually out of my life. Because I thought you would be there. And you weren’t. I thought we could get through anything when we were TOGETHER. Yes it’s hard! Get over it! It’s so not worth losing everything to be right! Remember about apologizing? That doesn’t make you weak. It makes you so much stronger than the person that doesn’t apologize. It means you realize that your relationship is the most more important thing than your ego.
Ayn Rand has this thing about how the only thing that’s important is making sure you’re happy, and that you’re taken care of. That EGO is the most important thing. (Sometimes I pay attention in English :)) But I have news for you. Being happy is important. But sometimes, to be happy, you have to fake it until it happens. So you suck it up that people are cuddling around you. You get over the fact that it hurts. Trust me, I’ve been there. She didn’t even know that it killed me. He did. But you know what?? I valued what our friendship was more than what I was feeling. And so should you.
Things I want at some point in my life.
I want to go skydiving.
I want to be madly in love.
I want a house that I get to run my way.
I want to tuck little kids into bed every night.
I want to travel all over.
If I have a job, I want to love going into work.
I want to keep my friends and make new ones.
I want to be excited about every adventure that comes my way.
I want to forgive easily and rarely offend.
I want to love the gospel more and more every day.
I want to be happy, even on bad days.
There’s a lot of things I want. And I’m going to get them all 🙂
Dark blue (dark blue)
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I’m here with you
I said the world could be burning (burning) down
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I’m here with you
I said the world could be burning now there’s nothing but dark blue
If you’ve ever been alone you’ll know dark blue
If you’ve ever been alone you’ll know (you’ll know)
I am obsessed with this song. Literally. And I don’t even know why….it’s just great. Things have been…weird lately. I just feel kind of like some things are perfect, and other things are ok, and some things aren’t going the way I want at all. It’s just like I’m watching other people live the life I used to be living, if that makes sense. Like I’m being replaced in almost every aspect of my life. It’s kind of weird to see; like I’m watching what I think should be happening to me, happen to other people. Like I’m just floating on the outskirts of my life. I guess I’ll get back into it at some point…hopefully.
Drama. It’s the best. Thankfully I’m not super involved, but I am involved because it involves my best friends. Let’s all just assume for the moment that we love each other. Because we do. And let’s assume that the opinions of our friends are important, because they are. So let’s sit down, duke it out, and be ok. Because yes it sucks, and trust me I know exactly how it feels. It kills to see them with someone else, even when you don’t think you still care. Because deep down you always will. That doesn’t mean that either of you are right, or that either of you are wrong. You’re feeling. You’re caring. That’s normal. So accept that, really feel how much it sucks for both of you, and then maybe you can think about what it’s like for the other person. Anyway…I love you both. And I don’t want this to ruin anything. So let’s be ok:)
On a much much lighter note. My love life is fabulous right now 🙂 Except for people who creep on us and make it awkward. That’s all. 🙂