So I feel pretty lucky right now 🙂 I probably shouldn’t, it will end up coming back to bite me and I’ll be all depressed…but still. Right now, I am the luckiest girl in the world.

-I have Randy 🙂
-My friends are great
-My family is also great 🙂
-I have good grades
-I have lots of yummy food
-I got 6 callbacks for one acts
-I have lots of itunes money
-I have good plans for Christmas gifts
-Life is good

I am lucky 🙂

So I haven’t posted in a while….sorry! Thanksgiving was great 🙂 I have so much to be thankful for. I got to spend a lot of time with my family and it was fabulous. The food was great and the company was even better. Except for when we got into a smallish fight. But that’s not something to worry about 😉 My friends are amazing and I love them dearly, and I just have a lot to be thankful for. Chocolate, sweaters, shopping, music, the gospel (which is EVERYTHING in my life,) Randy, my snuggie, good movies that make me cry, cheese-its, apple pie, raspberry jam, boots….the list could go on and on and on. But for the sake of saving my time and the 2 reader’s time as well…I won’t. I just have a lot to be thankful for, and I am. I am getting rid of the past. There’s a reason some people don’t make it into the next chapter of your life. I am happy with the people in my story now and I hope most of them stay. The people that aren’t here don’t need to be, and I don’t need to wish they were. Life is good 🙂

So on Saturday I had to leave Anatevka. For good. And it was probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I changed some of my acting decisions because I couldn’t do things the way I’d done them before. Because I was leaving. I had to hug Morgan goodbye. I couldn’t be mad at Kira…we were both crying too hard. Juston’s voice shook as he told us we had to go. Shows come and go…people don’t have to. This class was really really hard for me. But I’m so glad I had the chance to be involved in this show. Because every second of it was so worth it. I learned about me and about other people, and about these incredible Jewish people we were portraying. Their dedication, and how we can all take a lesson from them. When I sang the words “I belong in Anatevka….” I meant them. Because I do belong there. We all do. So let’s not let it escape from our hearts, because even though we left, it doesn’t have to leave. The feelings don’t have to leave. I love my amazing Musical family and I always will.

Ooooh the words I could say right now. There aren’t enough words to say everything I need to. So I’ll resort to bulleted lists.

-Fiddler on the Roof/Musical Productions. Life changing. Yet again 🙂
-My family is so cute to me even when I’m a pain.
-Having three periods in the day where you have to do virtually nothing is a blessing.
-Randy is so cute to me and is the best friend in the world 🙂
-My friends are supportive and I love them 🙂
-My “fake” productions family is amazing and I love every one of them.
-Sometimes people think they’re going to change your mind by making a scene. Prove them wrong.
-Everyone has those days where they want to cry. Help them out.
-Nutella Waffles are probably the best thing ever.
-Waking up to a cute text with flowers next to you is great 🙂
-Figuring out how strong you are is beautiful
-There’s nothing better than a warm sweater first thing in the morning
-Music is my sanity
-Popcorn=GREAT
-Sometimes Netflix occupies a good amount of my time
-My poor future husband hasn’t had an email written to him in quite some time….
-This is a month to be thankful…and I have never felt so blessed 🙂

So with the musical…my life has been chaos. Literal chaos. But it’s wonderful 🙂 I love everything that I get to be doing right now and I wouldn’t trade it for anything, ever. I know right now I’m tired and probably no fun to be around, but years from now I’ll look back and wish that I could go back and do it all over again. I love my cute friends for putting up with the fact that I’m never around. I love Randy for being there for me whenever I need it. I love my cute family for helping me and making sure I’m ok, even though I never see them! And my other family. The ones that are on stage with me every single night. Giving me a smile or helping me shove a mic pac on before rushing on stage. The ones that sing with me and dance with me and are honestly the best people I know. I love them. And I love this show.

In English my name means high tower. In French it means an old house in Paris, covered in vines. It means passion, it means expectation. It is like the click of high heels. A pas de deux. It is my best friend’s carton of chocolate swirl ice cream eaten over fits of laughter and sappy romance films after a school day filled with trying too hard, spoonfuls like secrets.

It is only mine, nobody before me to draw from, but still expected to live up to them. Though sometimes I don’t acknowledge its true form—the nickname that comes instead has swallowed it up—I’m not sure how to feel about that, the true name is unfamiliar to everyone but me, those who use it seem like imposters from a bad spy movie, the name coming out of their mouth like a blaring alarm.

My father. I would’ve liked to have been there when he was trekking through France. That’s where he fell in love with the name, the language, the food, the people. He wanted to remember the crispy “French” fries, which are nothing like American fries, the long loafs of bread that made sound when you broke them, the chilly morning air that soon dissolved into afternoon heat, everything. This name was a way to do that.

And the story goes that I was on the way, a few names were discussed, the one that would eventually be picked was among them. And the moment I was born they knew. It was probably my red hair. I wonder if they even thought about the others, and how different it would be if they had picked another name. Madeleine. I was given a big name for a tiny girl, and I wish I could live up to all the dreams they had for her.
At school they mispronounce my name as if the letters are tripping over each other in a rush to be said first. In third grade, the teacher asked if I had a nickname because my real name was too hard to say. It’s not too hard to say. She’s the girl most people see now—Maddy—which is short, sweet, and to the point. I thought I was her for a while, but then I discovered something. I am always Madeleine.

I wish I could go back to that day and tell them I had no nickname. Maybe then the name that I whisper in secret would be easier to live up to. Maddy has ruined some things for Madeleine. Maybe it would be easier to be a Sarah or a Jane, to have a name that lots of other people do. One that’s “easy to say”, and maybe easier to be.

So life has been throwing me curveballs lately. So today on the magical day of 11/11/11 at 11:11 I’m going to wish that just for a minute, things will go my way. I probably shouldn’t say my wish, it won’t come true now. But that’s ok. Because for this minute that is happening right now…everything is ok.

So yesterday something shocked me. I found out that someone who means so much to me is going through something. Horrible. A divorce because he cheated. And a part of me still can’t believe it. They’re such a cute couple, they had such chemistry, they had that look when they looked at each other. I made cookies with their family a million times, went and got shakes with her, laughed with him in the halls of church. What happened?

Not only can I not believe that it happened, that they’re not going to be together anymore, that she’s going to have to be strong enough to be on her own, but I can’t help but wonder if that could happen to me. I want to think that it won’t. But what if all the sudden, every dream you had with someone was over? You can plan your whole life around a happy ever after, and one thing can change that. Forever. So maybe I need to stop focusing on finding the right guy, because obviously the right guy can be so wrong. Maybe I need to focus on me, making sure I’m strong enough to handle anything, make sure I can love myself enough before I try and love anybody else. Because right now I’m not strong enough. I have to stop depending on other people. Because other people let you down. Marriage doesn’t mean happy ever after, or even ever after at all. It could mean a few years of great, and then a lot more years of not great, because you put everything on someone. That’s terrifying. I’m not sure if I can give someone the power to completely destroy my life and leave me to pick up the pieces. It’s a scary, scary thought. But it’s the truth.

So this was a super long weekend. It’s been a super long few weeks actually. Friday we did more music practice, then went and played and laughed together…actually had fun. Then Saturday we had an understudy run through and then a lead run through. Watching the understudies made me realize how much I love my “pretend” sisters. These girls really have become my sisters. I talk to them more than just about anybody right now. And I hope that doesn’t change when the musical is over.

Randy’s been great throughout me being obnoxious and a baby about everything. Even though things have been really…monotonous lately. He’s been great. This time of year is always hard because I feel like I’m being torn in a million ways. Friends, the musical, school, my family. All of it. And I don’t have time to give my all to everything. And it’s hard to expect to not be left behind in some of the areas…because the truth is, I’m going to be.

So yesterday was a very, very, very hard day. Showing up to school early on a late start day was just the beginning. We get to school and run Act Two of the show. And then we get to the last song. It’s when the people are getting ready to leave their homes and each other. It wasn’t turning out the way any of us wanted. We were just going through the motions. So then Andra stopped us, and asked us to think about it for a second. These people are leaving nothing much, but leaving everything. They are saying good-bye. Forever. Most of these people will die, and soon. I’d been going through the play with the idea that all of our family gets back to America and everything is fine. The reality is, they don’t. They are killed. Ripped apart. These people were willing to die for their religion. I hope that some day, I can have half the devotion to my religion that they do to theirs. Yesterday was a hard day. But it was so important for me to have that.