So I had a lot of fun at the Halloween Dance! We danced like crazy, had an awesome time playing fear factor, took fun pictures and had an all around great time. 🙂 Some things were weird…but that doesn’t matter. Things were great.

But weirdly enough while I was there, I felt replaced. Who knew that someone would come in, a great someone that is, and kind of take the spot I thought was mine? I thought three was a crowd…turns out four is too. I know it’s not on purpose…but it’s still happening. And I don’t know how to fix it.

Also…it’s really hard to focus on someone, when someone else is completely occupying your mind. I figured out last night how all the little gestures and glances and reassuring touches mean to me. So in a way…it was good, even though it was hard.

Back to feeling replaced. The question is not so much what do I do to stop it, but what do I do to be ok with it?

Sometimes, things happen in your life that make you realize what you need to fix, what to not worry about, and what’s really important. I realized lately that I’ve been focusing on things that don’t matter, people that don’t matter. I need to stop being selfish, start serving and working harder, and also make sure to take care of myself and the people I love. Because in the long run, the drama isn’t worth it. I have so much compared to most people in the world and I need to start realizing that more. The Church means everything to me and I need to start treating it that way, because right now I don’t. There’s a lot of things I know I’m responsible for doing in this life, and I’m not doing any of them right now. So that’s what I need to focus on. I have a lot of great things ahead if I will just focus on others, work hard, and always do what I know I’m supposed to be doing.

So we had a Fiddler night where the leads got together to sing. It was so great. Emotional, but great. For the first time I let myself think about what would happen if my sisters, or my friends who are like my sisters for that matter, chose something that would take them out of my life. I can’t even imagine. I can’t imagine my two little sisters leaving or not knowing when I’ll see my friends again. I can’t imagine being a mother and having my children, my heart, walk around outside of my body, out of my control, for the rest of my life. I like controlling things. And just like last year, going to that rehersal and hearing the emotion of every single song, made me realize I can’t. And that has to be ok.

I.Love.This.Song

And I sugarcoated every dream of you
That you’re unable to make come true
And I lost faith the seventh time around
It appears as though I’m still here now.

This doesn’t mean I don’t love everything about you
Sometimes that’s not enough
And it doesn’t mean I couldn’t stick it out a few more years
It just means I’m not that tough
Whether you like it or not

I’ll be around most likely
For years to come if you need anything
But I’ll never be your lover
No, I’m not cut out for that job obviously
I’m not enough and I won’t be
Ever if not now
Your temporary lover you let down

So don’t fall back on me now
Cause I’m not cut out

I’ve been in trouble since the start of the first round
And I’ve dug a hole I can’t get myself out
Been miserable off and on for a while
Just give it two more months, wait it out

I told myself that you came back because you love me
But it turns out that I found out, it’s cause you’re alone again
You never hesitated once to leave me standing
In corners watching you choose her over me again

I’ll be around most likely
For years to come if you need anything
But I’ll never be your lover
No, I’m not cut out for that job obviously
I’m not enough and I won’t be
Ever if not now
Your temporary lover you let down

So don’t fall back on me now
Cause I’m not cut out for this
It’s not worth it from my end
I’ve been over it too many times, too many lines
I’ve never seen you so clearly
You’re so clear to me

Sometimes I think I know you better than you know yourself
I’ll call your every move, before you move it
The only problem is that I have too much faith in you
I see the best in you, but you won’t prove it

It’s obvious that it’s real love, because you disgust me
And I put up with you willingly when nobody else will
And I could stick it out a few more years
But who’s to say you would actually stay

And I’ll be around most likely
For years to come if you need anything
But I’ll never be your lover
No, I’m not cut out for that job obviously
I’m not enough and I won’t be
Ever if not now
Your temporary lover you let down

So don’t fall back on me now
Cause I’m not cut out

Thinking of him.
Telling the truth when nobody’s willing to tell him the truth.
Fighting for him….
Thinking it over, that’s what I think I do.
Well isn’t it time,
Isn’t it high time…I was thinking of me too.

I messed up a long time ago. And I’m sick of you punishing me for it. I can’t apologize any more. And you haven’t apologized once. You broke me. You made me not be able to trust. You should be the one apologizing.

We had a seminary lesson on treating women with respect. I realized that you aren’t even close to treating me like that, and to be honest, you never did. I hate that you treat other girls with that respect but you can’t even give a fraction of it to me. You took things from me that you can never give back. And you can’t manage any civility at all? You think that you’re going to spend time with my best friends and not have to talk to me? You’re dead wrong.

Forgive and forget. But don’t ignore. Don’t disrespect. Don’t be rude. I forgot and I want to start over. Things can’t ever be like they were. But they don’t have to be like this. But you won’t give an inch. And I’m sick of feeling like it’s my fault. We both made huge mistakes.

“I cannot bear to think that he is alive in the world…
…and thinking ill of me.” –Pride and Prejudice

This quote has been occupying my thoughts. And I need to push it out. But the fact that you’re out there, and you aren’t thinking well of me. It kills.

So last night we had a girls night. We haven’t had one in forever. It was good, crazy fun. But sitting on the tramp talking made me realize something. Three of my best girl friends are going to school, probably together. And probably without me. Most of my friends are going somewhere else for school. I am so scared, not of being alone, but of losing them. And it didn’t hit me until sitting there with all of them. It made me sick, I had to go home. I already felt out of the loop and I am. And I will continue to be. And there isn’t anything I can do to fix it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited to go to college. But going potentially alone, knowing all my friends are together somewhere else, the one person I really really really want to be there might not even be there…that’s terrifying. These girls have been my life for years. What am I going to do when they continue to be each other’s lives…but not mine. And when I’m not a part of their lives either?

That makes me more afraid than anything.

I imagine
Our first dance,
I can’t even breathe,
The air is full of romance.
The tune is soft,
Your eyes are deep,
This moment is one,
I’ll long to keep.

I imagine
A dance at my door,
The night is over,
But we want more.
We sway and dip,
Spin and twirl,
It’s then I’ll realize,
You’re my world.

I imagine
A dance that night,
When you kneel,
And ask me to be your wife.
I kiss you yes,
We dance till dawn,
You smile at me,
And slide a ring on.

I imagine
A dance that day,
When everything changes,
In ever way.
I’m wearing white,
We’re in this together,
This is a dance,
That will last forever.

I imagine
A dance close to
A baby boy
So tiny and new.
We smile at him,
We dance so close,
This is the moment,
We’ve yearned for most.

I imagine
A dance in a mess.
The children are screaming.
The house is a wreck.
But we remain calm,
Amid the storm,
Because this is the family,
We’ve waited for.

I imagine
A dance after tears,
The trials have piled up
Over the years.
We push right through,
We keep on trying,
And dance right through
The battle we’re fighting.

I imagine
A dance while we wait,
For our oldest daughter,
To come home from a date.
We smile as she,
Rushes into the room,
To tell us about,
The dream come true.

I imagine
A dance as we age,
We never thought
We’d get this grey!
We still love to laugh,
We dance alone,
In this old house,
That became our home.

I imagine
Our last dance,
I still can’t breathe,
The air’s still thick with romance.
I got just what I wanted,
I got a man,
Who’d dance though life,
Holding my hand.

Said with a smile, felt with a kiss, stamped into every Friday night bliss.
Noticed with glances, giggles, and grins, and seen as the blush rises onto her skin.
Heard in the laugh of fun with the crowd, times when neither has to say it out loud.
Safe in the hugs that go on and on, sleepy in conversations lasting till dawn.
Comfy with blankets, cuddled up close and serious when it matters the most.
Dreamy in time spent too far apart, loud in the beating of his nervous heart.
Rushed in last minute times of goodbye, deliberate to quickly apologize.
Whispered so softly as she falls asleep, held in the teddy bear she’ll always keep.
Sung in the songs from their favorite soundtrack, memorized from all the times they sang back.
Written in letters poems and songs, captured in snapshots all the way along.
Dressed in her outfit he loves the most, trapped when he grabs her and pulls her in close.
Sweet in the treats he always brings, disappointed when one of them misses something.
Chivalrous as he pulls open the door, daring as he goes in for one more.
Promising as the fight is resolved, hopeful when he finally calls.
Carefree in days full of lazy fun, gentle as darling, sweetheart and hon.
Crazy in long nights chock full of work, unique in all the fun little quirks.
It’s complex, intricate intense too, yet simple and breathtaking.
I love you.

I went three days without seeing my best friends…and it was really weird. It made me realize that they are kind of my life. I’m realizing how much I miss things. Everything is ok at this point, but I don’t know what I wouldn’t give to go back to the ninth grade and try again. I would do a million things different, tell someone how I felt way back then, not make some of the mistakes I did, maybe then I’d end up in a better place now. Because things are great now, but there’s always a chance they could be better. So maybe I’m going to take this long weekend to totally remove myself from everything, and come back better.

“I’d rather argue with you than kiss anybody else.”

We fight with the people we love. The people we care about. If we weren’t passionate about it, we would let it go and not give it a second thought. So don’t forget that the angry words you say or that someone says to you, are really out of love. I know I say things I don’t mean all the time, and that the things I say are to protect, myself or someone else. Don’t ever forget that the people you love are the ones worth fighting for.

So stop holding grudges, stop being mad. Forgive. Forget. There are too many things to love.