I pulled into the parking lot in my green, 1994 Altima with the broken speedometer. I turned the car off but didn’t take the key out of the ignition. The sun was bright and behind my brand new sunglasses I looked at Davis High School. The old brick of the auditorium was about twenty feet in front of me and I had the strangest desire to run out and touch it, to run my hands over the brick. I was parked in the second stall, nobody was next to me on the right and an empty forest green car was on my right.

I just sat behind the safety of my sunglasses and started at the auditorium and open courtyard of Davis High. The north-end door was pulled open and shut but I didn’t see the people going inside. Out the back of my dirty rearview mirror I saw people pull in to the parking lot, but I never saw them get out. I looked forward again to see a bus pull up and a swarm of people rush into the school all at once. It was the last time I would see that. My car was warm and a part of me wanted to fall asleep behind the dark lenses of my glasses. I didn’t need to keep looking. Keep seeing my past walk right in front of me and eventually, continue on without me. It felt like being in a pond for a long time, knowing how the water felt, knowing when the seasons would change, getting a stuck in a snag sometimes but never letting it hold me. But now I was being plucked out of the pond. And the pond would keep on going just fine without me. But I was being tossed into the ocean now. It was different, it was bigger, it was scary.

I felt myself get teary behind the sunglasses. I know I shouldn’t be, I was excited to be moving on. I knew I couldn’t come back next year and I really didn’t want to. So why was this flood of emotion hitting me right now? I thought back to being dropped off in this very parking lot as a sophomore before I could drive. I thought of the late nights when I drove out of this parking lot exhausted. I thought of the early mornings I pulled into this parking lot, also exhausted. I thought of the hundreds of days that had started out with this very parking lot.

And then a car pulled up next to me. A red one. The music was loud and the girl was jamming in her sunglasses. I smiled. She was a junior that I knew. She got out of the car and slammed the door. I couldn’t help but smile as I took of my dark sunglasses. It wasn’t so painful to look. Nostalgic maybe, but not painful. The tears were happy-tears. Tears of joy and excitement and wonder. So I picked up my nearly empty back-pack. Opened the car door to the summer morning, and walked inside Davis High School for the very last time.

So I’m literally one step away from the finish line of high school. I have two days of going to school and then two days of not going to school and playing and signing yearbooks and actually walking up the stairs to shake the principal’s hand and getting my diploma and all that. We went to Sr. Cotillion this weekend and it was super fun. On the way home we were talking about our favorite and least favorite memories and such. Honestly there were so many things that I’d blocked from my memory I couldn’t even really remember things. But now I’ve given it some more thought and I want to have documented my favorite and least favorite things about high school. You only go through it once (hopefully…..) and it’s a crazy experience for everybody. No one gets an easy ride and no one leaves without a hint of nostalgia and sadness. Because after this we aren’t kids anymore. Sure we can act like kids, but we aren’t. Going to cotillion made me realize that I may not be sad enough to cry my eyes out (like some certain people in the senior class…) but I am sad. It’s the end of an era. The end of a chapter in my life. I hope I always remember the people in that chapter and the things I learned from these pages, but I hope I don’t constantly reread it.

So here’s that list:

1. I remember going to the Point to eat lunch basically every day of sophomore year. And Ashley and I always split our food.
2. I remember loving English and Mrs. Hall
3. I remember being able to drive my friends around and feeling cool
4. I remember frequently driving to Viewmont/Centerville to visit everyone
5. I remember sitting in AP World History and thinking I was going to die.
6. I remember math class and feeling like an idiot the whole time.
7. I remember going to football games but none of my friends wanted to sit in the stands and watch, but wanted to sit on the track like the ninth graders.
8. I remember my brother leaving on his mission that January.
9. I remember Dance Company and being so close to all those girls
10. I remember going to dances that first year when none of my friends could, and they were all a blast. I had to learn to make new friends and I did
11. I remember choreographing my dance for dance company
12. I remember New Year’s Eve with so much clarity it’s ridiculous.
13. I remember the last day of school BBQ at Ashley’s house
14. I remember feeling totally heartbroken
15. I remember seminary classes with fun people that I hadn’t ever known before
16. I remember trying out for musical productions
17. I remember theater class
18. I remember Terri asking me to be on DTV and telling me I could skip intro.
19. I remember the very first day of musical productions
20. I remember meeting Syd Howard
21. I remember awkward movie nights and pool parties
22. I remember fighting with my friends and feeling like I’d lost them
23. I remember kisses.
24. I remember everything Mrs. Dau ever said…..not literally but you know what I mean
25. I remember basically worshipping Mr. Taylor
26. I remember falling asleep in Larsen’s class but trying not to because something funny was bound to happen
27. I remember the Chicken Movie
28. I remember Cherry Hill
29. I remember crying myself to sleep
30. I remember making new friends
31. I remember IHOP at early hours of the morning
32. I remember missing Dance Company, but just a little
33. I remember my last day of ballet
34. I remember goodbyes
35. I remember hiking the mountain
36. I remember sobbing on stage, multiple times for multiple reasons
37. I remember meeting my family
38. I remember that very first kiss
39. I remember being a true dart
40. I remember poker nights
41. I remember orange leaf trips
42. I remember pool parties and laying on the tramp and visits at work
43. I remember screaming to myself because I was so happy
44. I remember dancing until my whole body ached
45. I remember when my brother came home, and told me I looked beautiful
46. I remember the push and pull of DTV
47. I remember laying out and reading about art
48. I remember dancing the night away, multiple times
49. I remember stress
50. I remember being proud to be a Dart

So I decided I should stop at fifty. There are fifty billion more things I could add to this list but I won’t. Anywho. Yay for High School. Yay for Davis. Yay for the end of this chapter. Yay for the start of the Europe/BYU/Grown Up Chapter. Suprisingly, I think a lot of the things on this list, a lot of the people on this list, will make into the next chapter 🙂

Kris Allen is amazing. And so it would turn out that this song is amazing. And it makes me happy and sad at the same time. Because some of these things I’m really bad at. Being a friend and such. But other things I feel are exactly about me. Anywho….it’s great. And if you think the lyrics are good, you should go to youtube and listen to the whole thing. And see the music video 🙂

Wake up if you believe
Love is not a fading dream
Tell me I’m not the only one
Who feels this way right now

Lonely needs a friend
Ask him where he’s been
You could be the Light that comes
And turns his world around

I don’t wanna run, I don’t wanna hide
When someone needs somebody
I don’t wanna say, I don’t got the time
When someone needs somebody
With a little faith and a little soul
We can’t go wrong
We can’t go wrong

When a heart breaks
And the world shakes
Will we stand for the vision of love?
When a tear falls
And the fear crawls
Will we stand for the vision of love?
Will we stand for the vision of love?

Singing
Whoa-oh-oh-oh
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Whoa-oh-oh-oh
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Whoa-oh-oh-oh
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Make-up hides her face
Cos she feels out of place
She cries
Come on someone tell this girl she’s beautiful
We don’t gotta run, we don’t gotta hide

When someone needs somebody
We don’t need to say, we don’t got the time
When someone needs somebody
With a little faith and a little soul
We can’t go wrong
We can’t go wrong
When a heart breaks
And the world shakes
Will we stand for the vision of love?
When a tear falls
And the fear crawls
Will we stand for the vision of love?
Will we stand for the vision of love?

Singing
Whoa-oh-oh-oh
(C’mon)
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Let’s stand up
(Whoa-oh-oh-oh)
(Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
Let’s stand
(Whoa-oh-oh-oh)
(Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
Let’s stand for the vision
Stand for the vision of love

Wake up
(Whoa-oh-oh-oh)
(Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
Wake up
(Whoa-oh-oh-oh)
(Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
Wake up if you believe

When a heart breaks
And the world shakes
Will we stand for the vision of love?
Will we stand for the vision of love?

High school is almost over. I’m sad, happy, confused I guess. I’m excited to move on from some of the drama, but honestly I know the drama will follow. I’m sad to leave people I love but excited to meet new people too. I’m sad to leave my family but I know that they’re the only people who will always be there for me, which is comforting. I’m just a mumble-jumble of emotions I guess. My brother got married yesterday which was wonderful, but it made me think even more how everything is changing. Change is constant. But that doesn’t mean I’m used to it.

One other thing I wanted to mention is that today I went to Stake Conference and we got to hear from some general authorities because it was a regional conference. I loved hearing their words. But it made me realize I know what matters most, and now I have to start showing it. I know way too many people who act like the church is stupid or that aspects of the gospel are dumb, and I don’t ever want to be one of those people. So I’m not going to be. I’m not going to be “ashamed of the gospel of Christ.” I’m going to live it. Now I’m not going to shove it in anyone’s face or think they’re horrible for doing this or that or the other. But I know what’s right. And I am not going to be one of those people who pretends that I don’t know what’s right because it’s cool. Because I love the gospel too much to do that.

Anyway off of spiritual topics. This week I feel as though I should watch HSM3 repeatedly….so if anybody wants to join I would be tickled pink 🙂 Also I feel as though I should shop for a dress to wear on the last day of school….and a zillion other things! What I guess this post is about is appreciating life and sticking to what I know.

Funny story side-note. Yesterday at my brother’s wedding reception a lot of his high school friends came. And there was this one boy, who shall remain nameless, but for the sake of the story we’ll call him D-Will. And D-Will has been home from  his mission six months, apparently. And is majoring at IS (Internal Systems? I felt like an idiot when he says “Oh, I’m majoring in IS.” And I go “Oh….” Awkward pause because I thought he would explain what it was. He didn’t. So I proceeded to say “I may be stupid, what is that?” And he just laughs and says “OH hoho it’s internal systems.” Whatevs) And then we proceeded to have a conversation about how he wants to be married and has had girlfriends but hasn’t found the right girl yet. And how that’s “fine with him” because he’s just “waiting for her” and he’s sure when she shows up “he’ll know.” And then he’s all like, “So how many years of college are you done with?” And I’m all….”I’m graduating next week….from HIGH SCHOOL.” And he’s all, “oh that’s so great. I’m five semesters and three quatrains away from starting grad school. And I already know the grad school master of command because of some funny situation with a secretary inviting me to graduation where I met all the mucky-mucks of this IS grad program and I’m going to make millions of dollars one day, and wouldn’t you like to be a part of that?” And I’m sitting there, desperately looking around the room, and he says “Don’t you have a boyfriend” Ummmm….how in the heck would you know that? So I say…”Yes…” and he says, raising his eyebrows…”RM?” “Um no sir he’s going on a mission. Soon. And then he’ll come home.” Then he winks and says “Have fun waiting,” shakes my hand and says he enjoyed talking to me and leaves. WHAT THE HECK. If this is the rest of the world outside Davis High I don’t think I want to go……that’s all 🙂

So I have recently become obsessed with THIS song. I heard it the first time and was all like, yeah, it’s nice. But then I LISTENED to it. And realized the lyrics are amazing and wonderful. And then because I’m semi obsessed with dance, dance moves and ideas flew into my head that went with it. And now they won’t leave. Because there are so many amazing things you could do with this song to make a dance with it. And I WANT TO. But alas, I won’t and can’t. Because of a million reasons.

On another note, my brother is getting married in two days. It’s weird. Because quite frankly, he never came home from his mission. Yes I know they “never come home” because they’re different….but my brother literally never came home. He was off to college two weeks later, I don’t think I’ve had more than a five minute conversation with him, alone, in over two years. The last REAL conversation we had was the day he came home from the MTC. I went down to show him the towels and everything so he could shower, and he looked at me and said, “Can I just say…when did you get so beautiful? You are goregous.” And I was so excited to have my big brother home. But he’s not home really. And it’s something I get to get used to. Yes, I’m excited for him to get married and start his life and everything, but it’s just hard.

On another note….AP TESTS ARE OVER!!! Probably the best thing ever. No more AP tests for the rest of my LIFE!!! 🙂 And I’m going to Europe in like, two weeks. Basically….I’m stoked for what’s to come 🙂

Recently I have taken three AP tests and have one left…..and it’s been semi crazy around here. But good? Haha and I don’t have much to say. But that life is great and I love everyone and I’ll love everyone even more when AP tests are over. And I get to graduate and go to Europeaaaaaaaaa.

That’s all.

Except for my brother is getting married.

It’s weird.

But….good?

I love this musical. Just read these lyrics 🙂

There is a child inside my heart tonight
No one can see that child but you
If I hold on to you too tight, you understand
You hold me too
You are the one who reaches through the dark
When I’m afraid, you warm the air
And, when I close my eyes to sleep
You are my peace, you are my prayer
You are my home
You make me strong
And in this world of strangers
I belong to someone
You are all I know
You’re all I have
I won’t let go
Others may leave, but you will still be there
Touching the tears that fill my eyes
When I am lost, you are my light
You are the love that never dies
You are my home
You make me strong
And in this world of strangers
I belong to someone
You are all I know
You’re all I have
I need you so
I will not walk away from you!
I will not let you go!
You’re the only home I’ll ever know
You are my home
You make me strong
And in this world of strangers
I belong to someone
You are all I know
You’re all I have
I need you so
I won’t let go
You are my home

Yes. I should be studying right now….but I wanted to say a few things about things. If that makes sense. AP tests are now officially in full swing. I’m pretty sure I failed art history…NBD. But on the plus side…one down! Three to go……it’s totally ok though. Things are good.

Things are scary, but good.

After AP art history, Randy and I went kite flying. It’s so easy to forget absolutely everything else when you just want that kite to get in the air and stay there. Randy said something really cool while we were playing. He started laughing and looking at me, so of course I say “WHAT!?” And he says….”You’re just cute. It’s impossible to not smile while you’re flying a kite.”

It’s true actually. So even in the midst of writing a seminary graduation talk, studying like crazy, working, getting things for Europe and school ready, I’m going to smile. Because I have great friends and a great family, food to eat, places to go and things to do 🙂

Sometimes, things are supposed to happen. You meet someone or become friends, or even more….all for a reason. They have things to teach you. Things to help you with. I’m “the lucky one” in my life, because all the people I’m supposed to meet have been incredible. And I’m so thankful they’re in my life.

She walked into the room, tired and unhappy. She only came in here when she was unhappy. Nobody knew when she came in here. It was just her, alone. She slowly opened the door of her chest and pulled out her heart. This one was very sad. It was cracked all over. She looked at the cracks, remembering how they came. There was a huge smash in the middle from what someone said. Smaller chunks taken out from things she should and shouldn’t have done. She looked to see what she could salvage. She pulled out a piece here, a piece there. All nice things that she wanted to keep. She threw the rest of the unsalvagable mess into the pile of other, unsalvagable messes. She reached for the ingredients on the shelf, threw in the small pieces she wanted to keep, and mixed up a brand new heart. While it was cooking, she worked on a new face. She threw away the frown and whipped up a brand new smile. It was too happy, but it would work with the new heart. She slid it on and it felt uncomfortable, but she knew she would grow into it. With help. She pulled out the heart, cooked to perfection. Full of memories of nice things. It was smooth and perfect. She was sad a little, she knew it couldn’t last. But she would try and keep it together for as long as possible. There were things she could do to mend cracks, forgiveness she could give and offense she couldn’t take. There was especially one person she could cry out to in the middle of the night who would send down a kiss that would fix the cracks, through His forgiveness. But eventually, like all the other hearts in the room, this one would break beyond repair. And she would labor over a brand new one. She would come into the room and remember all the old hearts, and be sad for them. But she learned from them. She learned how to put up a cage to keep some things away. She learned new and better ways to fix her heart. She learned that it was ok to throw the hearts away sometime. But she always, always dreaded coming into the room of smiles and hearts. But she always left feeling better.