In English my name means high tower. In French it means an old house in Paris, covered in vines. It means passion, it means expectation. It is like the click of high heels. A pas de deux. It is my best friend’s carton of chocolate swirl ice cream eaten over fits of laughter and sappy romance films after a school day filled with trying too hard, spoonfuls like secrets.

It is only mine, nobody before me to draw from, but still expected to live up to them. Though sometimes I don’t acknowledge its true form—the nickname that comes instead has swallowed it up—I’m not sure how to feel about that, the true name is unfamiliar to everyone but me, those who use it seem like imposters from a bad spy movie, the name coming out of their mouth like a blaring alarm.

My father. I would’ve liked to have been there when he was trekking through France. That’s where he fell in love with the name, the language, the food, the people. He wanted to remember the crispy “French” fries, which are nothing like American fries, the long loafs of bread that made sound when you broke them, the chilly morning air that soon dissolved into afternoon heat, everything. This name was a way to do that.

And the story goes that I was on the way, a few names were discussed, the one that would eventually be picked was among them. And the moment I was born they knew. It was probably my red hair. I wonder if they even thought about the others, and how different it would be if they had picked another name. Madeleine. I was given a big name for a tiny girl, and I wish I could live up to all the dreams they had for her.
At school they mispronounce my name as if the letters are tripping over each other in a rush to be said first. In third grade, the teacher asked if I had a nickname because my real name was too hard to say. It’s not too hard to say. She’s the girl most people see now—Maddy—which is short, sweet, and to the point. I thought I was her for a while, but then I discovered something. I am always Madeleine.

I wish I could go back to that day and tell them I had no nickname. Maybe then the name that I whisper in secret would be easier to live up to. Maddy has ruined some things for Madeleine. Maybe it would be easier to be a Sarah or a Jane, to have a name that lots of other people do. One that’s “easy to say”, and maybe easier to be.

So life has been throwing me curveballs lately. So today on the magical day of 11/11/11 at 11:11 I’m going to wish that just for a minute, things will go my way. I probably shouldn’t say my wish, it won’t come true now. But that’s ok. Because for this minute that is happening right now…everything is ok.

So yesterday something shocked me. I found out that someone who means so much to me is going through something. Horrible. A divorce because he cheated. And a part of me still can’t believe it. They’re such a cute couple, they had such chemistry, they had that look when they looked at each other. I made cookies with their family a million times, went and got shakes with her, laughed with him in the halls of church. What happened?

Not only can I not believe that it happened, that they’re not going to be together anymore, that she’s going to have to be strong enough to be on her own, but I can’t help but wonder if that could happen to me. I want to think that it won’t. But what if all the sudden, every dream you had with someone was over? You can plan your whole life around a happy ever after, and one thing can change that. Forever. So maybe I need to stop focusing on finding the right guy, because obviously the right guy can be so wrong. Maybe I need to focus on me, making sure I’m strong enough to handle anything, make sure I can love myself enough before I try and love anybody else. Because right now I’m not strong enough. I have to stop depending on other people. Because other people let you down. Marriage doesn’t mean happy ever after, or even ever after at all. It could mean a few years of great, and then a lot more years of not great, because you put everything on someone. That’s terrifying. I’m not sure if I can give someone the power to completely destroy my life and leave me to pick up the pieces. It’s a scary, scary thought. But it’s the truth.

So this was a super long weekend. It’s been a super long few weeks actually. Friday we did more music practice, then went and played and laughed together…actually had fun. Then Saturday we had an understudy run through and then a lead run through. Watching the understudies made me realize how much I love my “pretend” sisters. These girls really have become my sisters. I talk to them more than just about anybody right now. And I hope that doesn’t change when the musical is over.

Randy’s been great throughout me being obnoxious and a baby about everything. Even though things have been really…monotonous lately. He’s been great. This time of year is always hard because I feel like I’m being torn in a million ways. Friends, the musical, school, my family. All of it. And I don’t have time to give my all to everything. And it’s hard to expect to not be left behind in some of the areas…because the truth is, I’m going to be.

So yesterday was a very, very, very hard day. Showing up to school early on a late start day was just the beginning. We get to school and run Act Two of the show. And then we get to the last song. It’s when the people are getting ready to leave their homes and each other. It wasn’t turning out the way any of us wanted. We were just going through the motions. So then Andra stopped us, and asked us to think about it for a second. These people are leaving nothing much, but leaving everything. They are saying good-bye. Forever. Most of these people will die, and soon. I’d been going through the play with the idea that all of our family gets back to America and everything is fine. The reality is, they don’t. They are killed. Ripped apart. These people were willing to die for their religion. I hope that some day, I can have half the devotion to my religion that they do to theirs. Yesterday was a hard day. But it was so important for me to have that.

So I had a lot of fun at the Halloween Dance! We danced like crazy, had an awesome time playing fear factor, took fun pictures and had an all around great time. 🙂 Some things were weird…but that doesn’t matter. Things were great.

But weirdly enough while I was there, I felt replaced. Who knew that someone would come in, a great someone that is, and kind of take the spot I thought was mine? I thought three was a crowd…turns out four is too. I know it’s not on purpose…but it’s still happening. And I don’t know how to fix it.

Also…it’s really hard to focus on someone, when someone else is completely occupying your mind. I figured out last night how all the little gestures and glances and reassuring touches mean to me. So in a way…it was good, even though it was hard.

Back to feeling replaced. The question is not so much what do I do to stop it, but what do I do to be ok with it?

Sometimes, things happen in your life that make you realize what you need to fix, what to not worry about, and what’s really important. I realized lately that I’ve been focusing on things that don’t matter, people that don’t matter. I need to stop being selfish, start serving and working harder, and also make sure to take care of myself and the people I love. Because in the long run, the drama isn’t worth it. I have so much compared to most people in the world and I need to start realizing that more. The Church means everything to me and I need to start treating it that way, because right now I don’t. There’s a lot of things I know I’m responsible for doing in this life, and I’m not doing any of them right now. So that’s what I need to focus on. I have a lot of great things ahead if I will just focus on others, work hard, and always do what I know I’m supposed to be doing.

So we had a Fiddler night where the leads got together to sing. It was so great. Emotional, but great. For the first time I let myself think about what would happen if my sisters, or my friends who are like my sisters for that matter, chose something that would take them out of my life. I can’t even imagine. I can’t imagine my two little sisters leaving or not knowing when I’ll see my friends again. I can’t imagine being a mother and having my children, my heart, walk around outside of my body, out of my control, for the rest of my life. I like controlling things. And just like last year, going to that rehersal and hearing the emotion of every single song, made me realize I can’t. And that has to be ok.

I.Love.This.Song

And I sugarcoated every dream of you
That you’re unable to make come true
And I lost faith the seventh time around
It appears as though I’m still here now.

This doesn’t mean I don’t love everything about you
Sometimes that’s not enough
And it doesn’t mean I couldn’t stick it out a few more years
It just means I’m not that tough
Whether you like it or not

I’ll be around most likely
For years to come if you need anything
But I’ll never be your lover
No, I’m not cut out for that job obviously
I’m not enough and I won’t be
Ever if not now
Your temporary lover you let down

So don’t fall back on me now
Cause I’m not cut out

I’ve been in trouble since the start of the first round
And I’ve dug a hole I can’t get myself out
Been miserable off and on for a while
Just give it two more months, wait it out

I told myself that you came back because you love me
But it turns out that I found out, it’s cause you’re alone again
You never hesitated once to leave me standing
In corners watching you choose her over me again

I’ll be around most likely
For years to come if you need anything
But I’ll never be your lover
No, I’m not cut out for that job obviously
I’m not enough and I won’t be
Ever if not now
Your temporary lover you let down

So don’t fall back on me now
Cause I’m not cut out for this
It’s not worth it from my end
I’ve been over it too many times, too many lines
I’ve never seen you so clearly
You’re so clear to me

Sometimes I think I know you better than you know yourself
I’ll call your every move, before you move it
The only problem is that I have too much faith in you
I see the best in you, but you won’t prove it

It’s obvious that it’s real love, because you disgust me
And I put up with you willingly when nobody else will
And I could stick it out a few more years
But who’s to say you would actually stay

And I’ll be around most likely
For years to come if you need anything
But I’ll never be your lover
No, I’m not cut out for that job obviously
I’m not enough and I won’t be
Ever if not now
Your temporary lover you let down

So don’t fall back on me now
Cause I’m not cut out

Thinking of him.
Telling the truth when nobody’s willing to tell him the truth.
Fighting for him….
Thinking it over, that’s what I think I do.
Well isn’t it time,
Isn’t it high time…I was thinking of me too.

I messed up a long time ago. And I’m sick of you punishing me for it. I can’t apologize any more. And you haven’t apologized once. You broke me. You made me not be able to trust. You should be the one apologizing.

We had a seminary lesson on treating women with respect. I realized that you aren’t even close to treating me like that, and to be honest, you never did. I hate that you treat other girls with that respect but you can’t even give a fraction of it to me. You took things from me that you can never give back. And you can’t manage any civility at all? You think that you’re going to spend time with my best friends and not have to talk to me? You’re dead wrong.

Forgive and forget. But don’t ignore. Don’t disrespect. Don’t be rude. I forgot and I want to start over. Things can’t ever be like they were. But they don’t have to be like this. But you won’t give an inch. And I’m sick of feeling like it’s my fault. We both made huge mistakes.

“I cannot bear to think that he is alive in the world…
…and thinking ill of me.” –Pride and Prejudice

This quote has been occupying my thoughts. And I need to push it out. But the fact that you’re out there, and you aren’t thinking well of me. It kills.