So I had a bad weekend and then a good weekend. Friday I sat around and did absolutely nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. But that was ok. Because I have Netflix. Then on Saturday I spent the day with Randy doing a million things and it was great. And then we met up with Luke and Morgan to look at the lights. And we got lost a few times and I freaked out but all in all it was great. Some things weren’t so great though. I’m figuring out things that I kind of wish I didn’t have to figure out. That it’s easy to slip away because of what someone thinks you want. Or maybe they just don’t care. I don’t know. I don’t even know what I’m saying. I’m happy-ish. And that’s good, right? There’s a song I listen to a lot at Christmas and it reminds me of a lot of people, sadly.

Please take down the misletoe
Cause I don’t wanna think about that right now
Cause everything I want is miles away
In a snow covered little town
My momma’s in the kitchen, worrying about me
Season’s greetings, hope you’re well
Well I’m doing alright
If you were wondering
Lately I can never tell

I know this shouldn’t be a lonely time
But there were Christmases when you were mine

I’ve been doing fine without you, really
Up until the nights got cold
And everybody’s here, except you, baby
Seems like everyone’s got someone to hold

But for me it’s just a lonely time
Cause there were Christmases when you were mine

Merry Christmas everybody
That’ll have to be something I just say this year
I’ll bet you got your mom another sweater
And were your cousins late again
When you were putting up the lights this year
Did you notice one less pair of hands

I know this shouldn’t be a lonely time
But there were Christmases when I didn’t wonder how you are tonight
Cause there were Christmases when you were mine

You were mine

So today in seminary we watched part of President Monson’s talk “Dare to Stand Alone.” We do these kinds of things frequently in my seminary class. I hadn’t heard that talk though, because it was in the priesthood session. It made me think really really hard. I need to make sure I’m strong enough to stand by myself. To stand up for something and stand alone. I think I am, but I need to keep doing things to really be sure that I am. I owe the Church everything that I am, and I need to make sure I’m worthy to go to the temple with that amazing boy some day and have that amazing family that I already love. In some areas I have had to stand alone. I have let go of things that other people haven’t. I have gotten through things that if I had been smart, I wouldn’t have had to go through.

ALSO in English the other day we watched part of Hamlet. And it made me so sad. They really really loved each other. I don’t think some people understand the past of Ophelia and Hamlet’s relationship. They weren’t just some crush that didn’t work out. They were in love. They were in love for the entire play. It hurt my heart a bit (And yes that is Ashley’s phrase that I just stole)

ALSO. Sometimes people just say that everything is fine…but then you continue to have proof that it’s not fine. Then what? Huh? That’s all 🙂

I love old movies. So very very very very much. And I haven’t watched a good old movie in a very long time. I need to fix that. But being in two one acts, being a back up singer in two songs PLUS being in eight more regular songs for the revue, having a ton of homework, working on DTV, and trying to have a healthy social life, I probably already watch more TV than I should 🙂 I waste more time than I should. But I think I’m figuring something out. People come and go in your life, your only obligation is to be happy. Of course you’re going to have unhappy days and not be happy with some rules, but in the end the rules are the things that make you happiest. That, I can guarantee. And I think that people are forgetting that obligation that they have, the one that says…”Who cares what they think, say, or want for you. What do you want? What do you need?” Crying is ok, it’s a healthy release of emotion that we keep bottled up too much. But I think there would be a lot less stress and unhappiness if people stepped back and said “In ten years, will this matter?” The answer to some things is yes; those are the important things. But the answer to that question for most everything we focus on is NO. It won’t matter. It doesn’t matter. So breathe, cry, laugh, sleep late, eat too much food, waste a little bit of time every day, pray a lot, get lost in the scriptures, work hard and play hard. Yeah 🙂

So I wasn’t really affected by the huge windstorm. But seeing the destruction was crazy. And also seeing how people pulled together and helped each other was crazy too. People really care about each other and want to help each other get better. People always talk about how they want to leave here, get out of this small Mormon town, but I appreciate it. I want to leave and see other things, but I know some day I’ll be back. Because I want my kids to grow up with the small town helpful, cheerful, everybody in your business life. Because I love it, and hopefully, they will too.

So I feel pretty lucky right now 🙂 I probably shouldn’t, it will end up coming back to bite me and I’ll be all depressed…but still. Right now, I am the luckiest girl in the world.

-I have Randy 🙂
-My friends are great
-My family is also great 🙂
-I have good grades
-I have lots of yummy food
-I got 6 callbacks for one acts
-I have lots of itunes money
-I have good plans for Christmas gifts
-Life is good

I am lucky 🙂

So I haven’t posted in a while….sorry! Thanksgiving was great 🙂 I have so much to be thankful for. I got to spend a lot of time with my family and it was fabulous. The food was great and the company was even better. Except for when we got into a smallish fight. But that’s not something to worry about 😉 My friends are amazing and I love them dearly, and I just have a lot to be thankful for. Chocolate, sweaters, shopping, music, the gospel (which is EVERYTHING in my life,) Randy, my snuggie, good movies that make me cry, cheese-its, apple pie, raspberry jam, boots….the list could go on and on and on. But for the sake of saving my time and the 2 reader’s time as well…I won’t. I just have a lot to be thankful for, and I am. I am getting rid of the past. There’s a reason some people don’t make it into the next chapter of your life. I am happy with the people in my story now and I hope most of them stay. The people that aren’t here don’t need to be, and I don’t need to wish they were. Life is good 🙂

So on Saturday I had to leave Anatevka. For good. And it was probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I changed some of my acting decisions because I couldn’t do things the way I’d done them before. Because I was leaving. I had to hug Morgan goodbye. I couldn’t be mad at Kira…we were both crying too hard. Juston’s voice shook as he told us we had to go. Shows come and go…people don’t have to. This class was really really hard for me. But I’m so glad I had the chance to be involved in this show. Because every second of it was so worth it. I learned about me and about other people, and about these incredible Jewish people we were portraying. Their dedication, and how we can all take a lesson from them. When I sang the words “I belong in Anatevka….” I meant them. Because I do belong there. We all do. So let’s not let it escape from our hearts, because even though we left, it doesn’t have to leave. The feelings don’t have to leave. I love my amazing Musical family and I always will.

Ooooh the words I could say right now. There aren’t enough words to say everything I need to. So I’ll resort to bulleted lists.

-Fiddler on the Roof/Musical Productions. Life changing. Yet again 🙂
-My family is so cute to me even when I’m a pain.
-Having three periods in the day where you have to do virtually nothing is a blessing.
-Randy is so cute to me and is the best friend in the world 🙂
-My friends are supportive and I love them 🙂
-My “fake” productions family is amazing and I love every one of them.
-Sometimes people think they’re going to change your mind by making a scene. Prove them wrong.
-Everyone has those days where they want to cry. Help them out.
-Nutella Waffles are probably the best thing ever.
-Waking up to a cute text with flowers next to you is great 🙂
-Figuring out how strong you are is beautiful
-There’s nothing better than a warm sweater first thing in the morning
-Music is my sanity
-Popcorn=GREAT
-Sometimes Netflix occupies a good amount of my time
-My poor future husband hasn’t had an email written to him in quite some time….
-This is a month to be thankful…and I have never felt so blessed 🙂

So with the musical…my life has been chaos. Literal chaos. But it’s wonderful 🙂 I love everything that I get to be doing right now and I wouldn’t trade it for anything, ever. I know right now I’m tired and probably no fun to be around, but years from now I’ll look back and wish that I could go back and do it all over again. I love my cute friends for putting up with the fact that I’m never around. I love Randy for being there for me whenever I need it. I love my cute family for helping me and making sure I’m ok, even though I never see them! And my other family. The ones that are on stage with me every single night. Giving me a smile or helping me shove a mic pac on before rushing on stage. The ones that sing with me and dance with me and are honestly the best people I know. I love them. And I love this show.

In English my name means high tower. In French it means an old house in Paris, covered in vines. It means passion, it means expectation. It is like the click of high heels. A pas de deux. It is my best friend’s carton of chocolate swirl ice cream eaten over fits of laughter and sappy romance films after a school day filled with trying too hard, spoonfuls like secrets.

It is only mine, nobody before me to draw from, but still expected to live up to them. Though sometimes I don’t acknowledge its true form—the nickname that comes instead has swallowed it up—I’m not sure how to feel about that, the true name is unfamiliar to everyone but me, those who use it seem like imposters from a bad spy movie, the name coming out of their mouth like a blaring alarm.

My father. I would’ve liked to have been there when he was trekking through France. That’s where he fell in love with the name, the language, the food, the people. He wanted to remember the crispy “French” fries, which are nothing like American fries, the long loafs of bread that made sound when you broke them, the chilly morning air that soon dissolved into afternoon heat, everything. This name was a way to do that.

And the story goes that I was on the way, a few names were discussed, the one that would eventually be picked was among them. And the moment I was born they knew. It was probably my red hair. I wonder if they even thought about the others, and how different it would be if they had picked another name. Madeleine. I was given a big name for a tiny girl, and I wish I could live up to all the dreams they had for her.
At school they mispronounce my name as if the letters are tripping over each other in a rush to be said first. In third grade, the teacher asked if I had a nickname because my real name was too hard to say. It’s not too hard to say. She’s the girl most people see now—Maddy—which is short, sweet, and to the point. I thought I was her for a while, but then I discovered something. I am always Madeleine.

I wish I could go back to that day and tell them I had no nickname. Maybe then the name that I whisper in secret would be easier to live up to. Maddy has ruined some things for Madeleine. Maybe it would be easier to be a Sarah or a Jane, to have a name that lots of other people do. One that’s “easy to say”, and maybe easier to be.