I’ve debated sharing this post, but I know I will want to remember this story and the testimony building things that happened. I won’t share all of it; some things are far too sacred for words. But it’s important to remember and be grateful for our journey and our story.
So here we go.
Randy and I were 21 years old when we got married. We were teeny babies who had a whole lot of love, and a whole lot of living ahead. I’m SO grateful we got married when we did (see this post). We joked with everyone we knew that weren’t going to have kids for a LONG time, five years or so. I thought 26 sounded like a good age to have a baby. Randy still had a LOT of school left when we got married, I had just graduated and started a career. I was very content with the idea that I was going to pursue my career and that Randy would finish school before we decided to have children.
Lots of my friends were “baby hungry” and while I knew I wanted to be a mom and was super excited to be a mom, I wasn’t feeling that “baby fever” to have a baby right away or anything. Which I was really grateful for. I thanked Heavenly Father for not giving me that “baby hunger” and asked if I could just hold off getting it until we were SUPPOSED to have a baby. I didn’t want to just want a baby, I wanted to know that it was the next step for our family and that the timing was right.
So we went through our first year of marriage, then the first year and a half, blissfully happy and moving forward in our lives. I progressed in my career in ways I was extremely proud of, Randy finally got settled into a school and was on his way into the Accounting Program, and we were just thrilled with that.
Then around November/December of last year, I started to feel a tug. A whisper. “Someone’s missing.” I ignored it completely. We were in NO position to have a baby in my mind.
But the tug kept pulling.
I remember one specific day in December, a friend of ours posted that they were going to have a baby. Randy and I drove home that night and I was sobbing. I was SO happy for them, but my heart was also SO jealous and wanted that too. Randy, of course, is perfect and said that once I decided I wanted to start trying, he was on board. He said he had been dreaming of being a dad since we had started dating (of course we wouldn’t have done that then) but that he was SO excited to be a dad and knew that we would make it work.
I cried and cried saying we couldn’t afford it, saying that I didn’t want to keep working full time and that he needed to finish school and about a million other things.
A few days later we decided to look seriously at our “baby timeline.”
We had said we wouldn’t have a baby for a LONG time, maybe start trying after Randy graduated. But that was obviously not going to be the case now. Because we knew that Randy would be graduating in December of 2018, we decided January of 2018 would be a great time to start trying.
I felt really good about that, and was able to put it out of my head. Our timeline was adjusted, we would have a baby sooner than I thought, and we could spend 2017 getting ready.
A few weeks later we got our tax return, and it was MUCH larger than we had expected! We were floored, and debated what to do with the extra money. Pay off a car? Put it in savings for tuition or for a baby?
I couldn’t get the thought out of my head that we should go to Japan. Randy hadn’t seen his grandparents in 10 years, and not since he had learned to speak Japanese. I had never met them. They are older, and we just don’t know how much time they will have left. I knew it would be harder for us to travel once we had a baby (and more expensive) so we prayed and thought, and decided going to Japan would be a great idea.
We started making plans and booking and I was THRILLED.
But in the back of my head there was always the baby.
I heard the whisper more and more that someone was missing. That we were supposed to go to Japan so we would have the chance to go before we had a baby.
I started panicking. How in the world could we do this?
I messaged dozens of girlfriends who had husbands in school and a baby, asking how they did it. (If you were one of the people I messaged, THANK YOU. You have no idea how much you helped me.) They were all SO optimistic and happy. They said that it wasn’t always easy, shared some of their tips and tricks, and then every, single one of them bore their testimony to me that God provides, that if it’s the right time then things work out. They all told me that they sacrifice and work hard, but that it is so worth it.
I started praying and explaining to Heavenly Father all the reasons why we couldn’t start trying to have a baby before January 2018. It went something like this: “I felt like I was supposed to graduate quickly to have a career, and I’m moving up in my career and having a baby could harm that. Randy is working SO hard in school and doesn’t have to work right now which is really helping him to well in classes. I don’t want to work full time and be a mom so I don’t think it would work. I don’t know how we’d have insurance. Randy really wants to be a great dad and I’m worried it would take away from his studies.” on and on and on.
Finally one day after saying all these reasons again and again, it felt like I got a sit-down chat with Heavenly Father.
Don’t you think I know that Randy has school work? Don’t you think I know that you’ll need money? Don’t you think I know how hard you both have worked? Don’t you think I know you need insurance? Don’t you think I know all the things you’ll need and all the things you’ve worked hard for? And don’t you think I know what’s best, and how you’ll get through it?
I can’t explain how hard that hit me.
After listening to a LDS Face-to-Face devotional the next day, and some serious prayer, it was made absolutely clear to me that this was the right next step. And that even though I was so scared, it would be OK.
That was in April, we left to Japan in May (which was amazing and one of the best decisions we could have made), and got pregnant in August.
Randy has been the absolute pillar of faith in all this. I have learned SO much about faith in these past six months. I have been wildly uncomfortable with walking forward in the dark, not being sure at all what’s ahead.
And it has been miraculous to me to see how perfectly things have worked out. How things have lined up. Not to say it’s all sunshine and roses, easy-peasy. But with our hard work, things have lined up.
It’s been miraculous to me how I’ll listen to a conference talk that will speak EXACTLY to my faith, or flip open my scriptures and read EXACTLY what I need. It’s amazing that a talk in church or a lesson will bring me to tears because it’s SO OBVIOUS how much God knows my heart and my fears.
I’ve had about a million heroes of faith from Nephi, not knowing beforehand what he should do, to Mary the mother of Christ, who didn’t ask questions and didn’t need all the details before committing to moving forward. It’s not about going in blind or being unprepared. It’s about being as prepared as you can be, but mainly being prepared to TRUST in the Lord and move forward.
And every time I start panicking about how unsure it all is, Randy just simply says, “We have always been provided for, it has always worked out, and we have always had what we need and been happy.” And he’s right.
And man, oh man. After we saw that little baby squirming and punching and seemingly smile at us, I get it. It’s already been so worth it and made us happier than I ever imagined.
Now let me finish this out. I’m not saying just go out and have a baby willy-nilly. Randy and I have saved and done extensive research, planned and prepared for this baby. I don’t think you’re ever as perfectly ready as you’d like to be, but I think it’s insanely important to save and plan, prepare and do anything you can to be ready.
And then let God make up the difference.
I am saying that it was made perfectly clear to us that someone was missing, and that if we made the CHOICE ourselves to have a baby, that it was the right time and things would work out. I don’t at all feel like we were told we HAD to have a baby. I felt the whole time that if we wanted and chose to do so, it would be the right time and it would allllll work out.
If I have to say one thing, it’s that God is SO REAL and loves us so much. Being pregnant has given me the teeniest, tiniest glimpse of that. Because I am already so protective and love this baby so fiercely. I can’t even imagine how much more I will feel once he’s here. And I can’t imagine how much more God loves us.