Nobody panic, I’m not becoming the spokesperson for girls who aren’t serving missions. This may also apply to young men who aren’t serving! And maybe not every girl feels like this. But I’ve been in situations where I’ve seen girls struggle with the decision about a mission for reasons that they shouldn’t have to worry about. I’m not insecure in my decision, nor am I angry or offended. I’ve just seen so many girls, myself included, become discouraged because of these issues. Some say they don’t see the judgment happening, or that I shouldn’t have to address it. But it’s out there, and I feel like it needs to be addressed, if only so people can understand what it feels like. Also, I know that not everyone assumes things about girls going on missions, some people are very open and happy with anyone’s decision. This is just my rambling to those who I have come in contact with who don’t understand some of these things, and I want to clarify.
10 Things Girls Who Aren’t Serving Missions Want You To Know
1. We still love the Gospel. Yes, that’s right! Just because we aren’t dedicating a year and a half of our lives to solely preach the Gospel, doesn’t mean we aren’t dedicating every day of our lives to the Lord. We are looking for ways to help, serve, teach, and minister every single day. Even though we don’t wear a badge on our chest, we all have “badges painted on our heart” as Elder Nelson would say.
2. When you go on about how attractive sister missionaries are, how you’ll only marry an RM, and how much of a better mom a girl is who has served a mission, it can hurt our feelings. You probably don’t mean it to be offensive, but it is. We look at the path we’ve chosen as inferior in your eyes. We see our future children and wonder if you’re right about their mother and how less spiritual she’ll be. We wonder if we should go and serve solely because it will make us more attractive to you. We think our personal scripture study, the fulfilling of our callings, our desire to serve others, our teaching and helping those around us, isn’t enough. We’ll still be great wives and mothers, promise!
3. We appreciate it when you recognize those of us who haven’t served missions in your lessons/talks. We love missionary work. Honestly we do. What we don’t love, is feeling that we missed out on the only right option by choosing not to serve. The Church’s focus IS missionary work, but that doesn’t necessarily mean a full-time mission. We love hearing about how to serve as a member and how to be an example to those around you no matter where you live. We’re not crazy about lessons detailing how every, single person should serve a mission, it’s always the best option, you’ll never be close to the spirit like you will be on a mission, asking people if they have a mission story they’d like to share, or saying “If you’ve served a mission, you understand this…” This can also offend guys who were worthy to serve, and weren’t able to.
4. We’ve prayed about our decision. I was a little taken back when a member of my ward asked me if I’d prayed about my decision to not serve. That’s a very personal, and very frustrating thing to be asked. So let me just put all your minds at ease, we’ve prayed about it. Or we’re praying about it. We’re going to be obedient to the answer we’ve been given, and hopefully that’s acceptable in your eyes.
5. We aren’t all looking to get married. Sometimes it seems there are two options; go on a mission or get married. Some of us aren’t doing either. Sure, we’re open to the idea of marriage, but we didn’t stay home from missions to get married right away. Some of us are focusing on school, careers, church service, and some of us were just plain told not to serve a mission and we’re making it our goal to be a tool in Heavenly Father’s hands, wherever he needs us. I’ll go where you want me to go, oh Lord…even if that means staying right here.
6. No two of us are the same. We have different goals, different reasons for not serving. Some sisters don’t have the desire to serve, and that’s ok! Some do have the desire, and couldn’t go for medical or other reasons, and that’s ok too! Some of us have the desire to serve, and through personal revelation realized that serving a mission was not part of our plan. And that’s ok too! Some of us are older, some of us are younger, it doesn’t matter! We’re all different, we all love the Gospel, and we’re all striving to be our best selves.
7. We appreciate when you’re proud of our accomplishments. Sometimes it’s hard to watch you get so excited when someone is submitting their mission papers, gets their call, or is heading out, and not be as excited for the good things we’re accomplishing. Sometimes, we feel like the things we’re doing aren’t important or wonderful. Help us see that going to school, getting that job, acing a test, or taking time out to help others, is exciting and important too.
8. We’re proud of our fellow sisters. We applaud them and their diligence, we appreciate them and we love them. We want to help the missionaries and show our support for them. We value their service as our sisters and we want them to accomplish great things. Our choosing not to go has no reflection on sister missionary service, or women’s place in the church for that matter.
9. We are busy. We probably aren’t busy in the same way full-time missionaries are, but we are busy! We’re going to school or working, serving in church callings, helping our families and friends, taking time for personal worship, reading, learning, growing, helping, teaching and a million other things!
10. We need your love! Sometimes it’s easy to feel down, beaten, and inferior. We appreciate every single person who lifts us up, makes us smile, and helps us realize we aren’t alone. And we love you right back!
Here Is The Low Down 
Thank you for sharing! It's wonderful to know about others in the same situation.
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Thank you SO MUCH for sharing! I'm too am hoping that we can all work together to be less judgmental and more loving in our gospel discussions. Thank you!
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Thank you SO MUCH for sharing! I'm too am hoping that we can all work together to be less judgmental and more loving in our gospel discussions. Thank you!
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Thank you for your support! It means so much!
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Thank you for your support! It means so much!
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Thank you!
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Thank you!
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Thanks so much for your comments, I really appreciate having an open dialogue and knowing there are lots of people willing to have a conversation! Your comments are amazing, thank you!
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Thanks so much for your comments, I really appreciate having an open dialogue and knowing there are lots of people willing to have a conversation! Your comments are amazing, thank you!
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Thank you so much for writing this. When I broke off my first engagement at 22, (before the age change,) everyone seemed to assume that I was going to go on a mission, to the point where ward members trying to be friendly would ask \”When are you putting your papers in?\” I had prayed about it long and hard for the previous two years and I knew that serving a mission was not in the plan for my life. I stayed home and kept teaching Primary and after just a few months, I started unexpectedly dating my best friend; nine months after that we were married, and just over a year later now our first baby is on the way. Missions are great but they're definitely not for everyone.
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Thank you so much for writing this. When I broke off my first engagement at 22, (before the age change,) everyone seemed to assume that I was going to go on a mission, to the point where ward members trying to be friendly would ask \”When are you putting your papers in?\” I had prayed about it long and hard for the previous two years and I knew that serving a mission was not in the plan for my life. I stayed home and kept teaching Primary and after just a few months, I started unexpectedly dating my best friend; nine months after that we were married, and just over a year later now our first baby is on the way. Missions are great but they're definitely not for everyone.
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Wow. I hadn't even noticed this happening. I'd wondered about it potentially happening when the new age options were made, but I'll have to be aware in the future. I'm way beyond sister missionary age and have a husband and 4 kids, but this is definitely a cultural thing we should be aware of. I chose not to serve a mission (but did finish school) and, yes, there are things I would have learned had I gone (my patriarchal blessing even says that), and in some ways I regret not going, but it's okay, and I'm okay. But, I am excited to go later with my chosen partner! 🙂
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❤ This! I have a daughter that is serving and a son that isn't going to. To tell you the truth it is my son that has always been closer to the spirit and and has always been very close to the church. My son believes in the church with all his heart and will one day make an amazing father and husband! He is going to college, working and always attends church and is a worth priesthood holder. He just doesn't feel like he can be gone for 2 years and feels like he would end up coming home.. It has been hard on him.. the pressure from members, girls that won't date unless he will serve.. etc.. I have a daughter that is giving 18 months of her life to serve the Lord. I have seen such growth in her and she is simply amazing, she has me in awe with the things she is learning and teaching.. When my kids marry BOTH of their spouses and kids will be some of the luckiest people, because they are marring some pretty great people!! I actually hope that some of these girls that are feeling the pressure will take time and realize that this pressure is put on YM all the time. I hope they will all learn to fall in love with the person and their qualities more than the Label!!
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❤ This! I have a daughter that is serving and a son that isn't going to. To tell you the truth it is my son that has always been closer to the spirit and and has always been very close to the church. My son believes in the church with all his heart and will one day make an amazing father and husband! He is going to college, working and always attends church and is a worth priesthood holder. He just doesn't feel like he can be gone for 2 years and feels like he would end up coming home.. It has been hard on him.. the pressure from members, girls that won't date unless he will serve.. etc.. I have a daughter that is giving 18 months of her life to serve the Lord. I have seen such growth in her and she is simply amazing, she has me in awe with the things she is learning and teaching.. When my kids marry BOTH of their spouses and kids will be some of the luckiest people, because they are marring some pretty great people!! I actually hope that some of these girls that are feeling the pressure will take time and realize that this pressure is put on YM all the time. I hope they will all learn to fall in love with the person and their qualities more than the Label!!
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I am a female RM, but I don’t want anyone being harassed or mistreated, ever. I don’t live in a special echelon. When I hear people ask for mission stories, that would exclude the vast majority of my city ward of converts, and I’m grateful that only new move-in’s make that mistake here. I didn’t marry an RM and know that Church conversations need new coding (how we say what we say) and filters (doctrine of love versus a damning culture). Some of my experiences have been different from his, but it doesn’t make them better or detract from anyone. My husband is the best man that I know, and we’ve done all the right things besides him not serving while he was inactive. I met and married him while he’s been an active, temple-attending, home-teaching man and we’re not stopping our activity and sincere commitment. I don’t see him going to hell for other active members driving him from activity when he was a teenager. We don’t share the exact same experiences, but if anyone was to criticize him in that department, I’d shred them like coleslaw. He’d be the one asking me to love my neighbor and to leave it alone.Righteousness has nothing to do with whether or not someone served a mission. Doing the best that you know how to do according to the best of your abilities and following God's plan for you (ie. doctrine and revelation) is exactly what the gospel teaches. The Church needs people who are willing to fight for truth (not culture) to be taught, and for cultural problems to be doused akin to stopping a pernicious brush fire. People who are outside of the Church wouldn't know that there was a moiré: it’s all internal struggles that are digging, damaging, and needs soothing kindness to heal them.
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My mother is an identical twin and a convert to the church. She worked to support her sister financially on her mission and therefore did not go on a mission herself. My mother and my aunt are both equally amazing and spiritual, they just had different paths to journey down. I have two sisters, one older and one younger, neither of whom served missions. I was blessed to have been able to serve, and both of my sisters were an amazing support, constantly sending me letters which helped me during the process. They both married fairly young, and have children, and they are amazing mothers, while I am still waiting for that blessing due to the timing my choices required. To say that people don't miss out on something when they choose not to or are unable to serve would be false – they do miss out on certain things – but those things are replaced with other experiences they would not have otherwise had. It's like ordering ice cream – for some people chocolate is best, for others it is vanilla. Both different, but both delicious and both still ice cream.
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My mother is an identical twin and a convert to the church. She worked to support her sister financially on her mission and therefore did not go on a mission herself. My mother and my aunt are both equally amazing and spiritual, they just had different paths to journey down. I have two sisters, one older and one younger, neither of whom served missions. I was blessed to have been able to serve, and both of my sisters were an amazing support, constantly sending me letters which helped me during the process. They both married fairly young, and have children, and they are amazing mothers, while I am still waiting for that blessing due to the timing my choices required. To say that people don't miss out on something when they choose not to or are unable to serve would be false – they do miss out on certain things – but those things are replaced with other experiences they would not have otherwise had. It's like ordering ice cream – for some people chocolate is best, for others it is vanilla. Both different, but both delicious and both still ice cream.
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I absolutely agree with you. I did serve a 2 year Mission many many years ago and it was good for me and I loved it. Not everyone should serve a full time mission. It is a personal decision between you and your Heavenly Father. No one has the right to think for you or be concerned about your reasons.
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In fairness, you should even be careful about judging those who went to BYU to get married! There are many people who don't have good LDS prospects where they come from, and they just want to find a mate who believes like they do. Even those who attend BYU to find someone to marry also *gasp* get a useful education while they're there!Neither me nor my wife attended BYU, and neither of us went to college just to find a wife/husband, but as we were BOTH earning our degrees we were thankful to have found each other.
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In fairness, you should even be careful about judging those who went to BYU to get married! There are many people who don't have good LDS prospects where they come from, and they just want to find a mate who believes like they do. Even those who attend BYU to find someone to marry also *gasp* get a useful education while they're there!Neither me nor my wife attended BYU, and neither of us went to college just to find a wife/husband, but as we were BOTH earning our degrees we were thankful to have found each other.
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It's interesting, and somewhat ironic, how these arguments are now being made against and by women, when traditionally they have only applied to men. They do, indeed, apply to non-missionaries of both genders. Especially #2.
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It's interesting, and somewhat ironic, how these arguments are now being made against and by women, when traditionally they have only applied to men. They do, indeed, apply to non-missionaries of both genders. Especially #2.
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Thank you for your post. I am sorry if people feel bad sometimes when someone else is praised for something and they perhaps are not as recognized for the good they do too. I thank the world and all the Saints for their righteousness. I would also add however that we all in the Gospel of Jesus Christ are in a great debt to the missionaries out their serving; both the men and the woman. It is because of their selfless service in that sacred missionary organization that the Lord established himself that we can enjoy any blessing that comes from the gospel. I am grateful for all the people who have a overwhelming desire to serve God and do his will. I recognize that those people exist among returned missionary and non-returned missionary alike. I do however find that there are many among the returned missionary population who maintain a strong desire to serve God throughout their lives. I am inspired by that desire! I greatly admire our ever growing missionary force and honor them for how they continue to serve you and I in the greatest work that can be done. In the words of Joseph Smith the Prophet of God “After all that has been said, the greatest and most important duty is to preach the Gospel.\” In the words of another Prophet of God Spencer W. Kimball “If you could only see the vision I have. I wish I had your bodies to do this work. I would run from house to house telling everyone of the gospel, and after I lost strength to run I would begin to walk, and after I collapsed from walking, I would begin to crawl, and after my knees were so bloody that I could not use them I would use my arms to drag myself, and once my muscle in my body was gone I would begin to yell…oh, only if you could see the vision as I have.” I would go as far as to say a Mission is for everyone! If someone with the desire to serve God was called to a different field of missionary work than that which we are accustomed to in the church and not able to serve with the name tag I thank them for their service. Every member a missionary!!! Let's keep sharing this gospel!
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Thank you for your post. I am sorry if people feel bad sometimes when someone else is praised for something and they perhaps are not as recognized for the good they do too. I thank the world and all the Saints for their righteousness. I would also add however that we all in the Gospel of Jesus Christ are in a great debt to the missionaries out their serving; both the men and the woman. It is because of their selfless service in that sacred missionary organization that the Lord established himself that we can enjoy any blessing that comes from the gospel. I am grateful for all the people who have a overwhelming desire to serve God and do his will. I recognize that those people exist among returned missionary and non-returned missionary alike. I do however find that there are many among the returned missionary population who maintain a strong desire to serve God throughout their lives. I am inspired by that desire! I greatly admire our ever growing missionary force and honor them for how they continue to serve you and I in the greatest work that can be done. In the words of Joseph Smith the Prophet of God “After all that has been said, the greatest and most important duty is to preach the Gospel.\” In the words of another Prophet of God Spencer W. Kimball “If you could only see the vision I have. I wish I had your bodies to do this work. I would run from house to house telling everyone of the gospel, and after I lost strength to run I would begin to walk, and after I collapsed from walking, I would begin to crawl, and after my knees were so bloody that I could not use them I would use my arms to drag myself, and once my muscle in my body was gone I would begin to yell…oh, only if you could see the vision as I have.” I would go as far as to say a Mission is for everyone! If someone with the desire to serve God was called to a different field of missionary work than that which we are accustomed to in the church and not able to serve with the name tag I thank them for their service. Every member a missionary!!! Let's keep sharing this gospel!
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I think you had this experience so that you could learn how to receive and recognize personal revelation. This will be equally important as someone else going on a mission. We can miss so much when we focus so much on \”going on a mission\” and sometimes ignore the great missionary work that needs to be done right in our own families, neighborhoods, and wards. If it's just the badge of honor that many are after, it's not the right intention.
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Teagan thank you for sharing your experience! I really appreciate you being so willing to share, you're wonderful!
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Teagan thank you for sharing your experience! I really appreciate you being so willing to share, you're wonderful!
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I've found a lot of people don't realize what's happening, but for girls at the age I'm at, it's everywhere! Thank you for sharing!!
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I've found a lot of people don't realize what's happening, but for girls at the age I'm at, it's everywhere! Thank you for sharing!!
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Thank you for sharing!
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Thank you for sharing!
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Thank you for adding your insights to the discussion! I really appreciate having the perspective of those who have served missions and understand the feelings that some of us may be having. It means so much! Thank you!
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Thank you for adding your insights to the discussion! I really appreciate having the perspective of those who have served missions and understand the feelings that some of us may be having. It means so much! Thank you!
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Thank you so much for sharing! I agree, there are things people miss if they don't serve, and other things at home people miss if they do serve! What's important to me is that nobody feels like they are less because of their decision. Love the ice cream analogy!
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Thank you so much for sharing! I agree, there are things people miss if they don't serve, and other things at home people miss if they do serve! What's important to me is that nobody feels like they are less because of their decision. Love the ice cream analogy!
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Thank you for your comment! I totally agree!
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Thank you for your comment! I totally agree!
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It's true, thanks for pointing that out!
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It's true, thanks for pointing that out!
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I totally agree, missionaries are a crucial part of this gospel! We need them! But we also need members! I love how you put it, thank you!
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I totally agree, missionaries are a crucial part of this gospel! We need them! But we also need members! I love how you put it, thank you!
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You turned a lot of my thoughts into words. Missions are so great (shoutout to all my missionaries ) and the choice is very personal to everyone. I too have felt the pressure & questioned my decision several times. Heavenly Father has a plan for each one of us. Right now is not my time for a mission but I'm blessed to continue my education and become a nurse. And I'm happy with that! I hope to serve a mission someday and will continue to be a missionary and example in my everyday life.Cute cute blog by the way. I'm a BYU student as well, gotta love it! Follow along on my blog: brookiebrooks.blogspot.com
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@Jacob KerchnerJacob, I've known plenty of young women who aren't phased at all by the absence of the RM label. After four years in college, three as a 19, 20, and 21-year-old \”Pre-Missionary,\” I've seen both the judgmental ones and the ones that understand that spiritual strength and marriage-worthiness are not caused by full-time missionary service. It was always my desire and goal to serve a mission, and I eventually did (and I recommend it to every worthy young man or woman able to serve), but the wonderful young women who never would have judged me as an aging non-RM are the same kind of women that I date now. You have to expect that some will be a little closed-minded, but you also have nothing to fear about finding others who will understand if you ultimately choose that a full-time mission is not for you.
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@Jacob KerchnerJacob, I've known plenty of young women who aren't phased at all by the absence of the RM label. After four years in college, three as a 19, 20, and 21-year-old \”Pre-Missionary,\” I've seen both the judgmental ones and the ones that understand that spiritual strength and marriage-worthiness are not caused by full-time missionary service. It was always my desire and goal to serve a mission, and I eventually did (and I recommend it to every worthy young man or woman able to serve), but the wonderful young women who never would have judged me as an aging non-RM are the same kind of women that I date now. You have to expect that some will be a little closed-minded, but you also have nothing to fear about finding others who will understand if you ultimately choose that a full-time mission is not for you.
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when i turned 21 everyone assumed i was going on a mission! it was so hard and i almost thought about going on one but it wasn't for me. i had a girl once ask me if i was going on a mission and when i said no she asked me if i had a boyfriend, i told her that i did but he was going on a mission and she laughed and turned around. i don't know what she was laughing at, my not going on a mission or me waiting. but i felt like her follow up question was inappropriate and had no influence in my decision. i never knew girls could have so much pressure. i was asked over and over if i was going and told that if i went i would be a better mother/wife. i was really hurt, though never expressed it, ultimately i had to tell people to back off. it's hard but i definitely prayed for my decision. now that i am 23, i don't regret not going! i know heavenly father has another path for me! thanks for writing!
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when i turned 21 everyone assumed i was going on a mission! it was so hard and i almost thought about going on one but it wasn't for me. i had a girl once ask me if i was going on a mission and when i said no she asked me if i had a boyfriend, i told her that i did but he was going on a mission and she laughed and turned around. i don't know what she was laughing at, my not going on a mission or me waiting. but i felt like her follow up question was inappropriate and had no influence in my decision. i never knew girls could have so much pressure. i was asked over and over if i was going and told that if i went i would be a better mother/wife. i was really hurt, though never expressed it, ultimately i had to tell people to back off. it's hard but i definitely prayed for my decision. now that i am 23, i don't regret not going! i know heavenly father has another path for me! thanks for writing!
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Maddy Richards, it is not a commandment for anyone, male or female, to go on a mission. Therefore when people say things like \”men have to go on a mission but women don't\”, they are wrong! Sure, serving a mission can be great. It can be a time of self-maturation and can benefit those to whom you preach the gospel. But it isn’t for everyone. In the church, boys are pressured to serve missions from a young age. You’ll hear primary kids say stuff like “Girls don’t have to serve missions, but boys do.” This just simply is not true. Many boys feel insecure about their decision because they are afraid that people will give them a hard time about it and that they will be viewed inferior by others in the church. I feel this issue needs to be addressed. While I’m sure God would like it if all of his children chose to serve a mission, he does not require it of us. It is not a commandment. He wants us to use the agency he gave us. Whether or not an individual serves a mission, male or female, it has no effect on their standing in the church. Please remember this. The other thing is that while the priesthood is a wonderful and powerful thing, it has no effect, absolutely none, on someone's ability to preach the gospel and/or serve a mission. There's nothing special about being a man on a mission. Women can do the same thing without the priesthood. So you're wrong, serving a mission is not a priesthood duty. That's like saying that you, Maddy, have a relief-societyhood duty to birth many babies! So in the future, redhead (who appears to dye her hair, FAKER! :P) please refrain from making sexist and gender stereotyping comments.
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Maddy Richards, it is not a commandment for anyone, male or female, to go on a mission. Therefore when people say things like \”men have to go on a mission but women don't\”, they are wrong! Sure, serving a mission can be great. It can be a time of self-maturation and can benefit those to whom you preach the gospel. But it isn’t for everyone. In the church, boys are pressured to serve missions from a young age. You’ll hear primary kids say stuff like “Girls don’t have to serve missions, but boys do.” This just simply is not true. Many boys feel insecure about their decision because they are afraid that people will give them a hard time about it and that they will be viewed inferior by others in the church. I feel this issue needs to be addressed. While I’m sure God would like it if all of his children chose to serve a mission, he does not require it of us. It is not a commandment. He wants us to use the agency he gave us. Whether or not an individual serves a mission, male or female, it has no effect on their standing in the church. Please remember this. The other thing is that while the priesthood is a wonderful and powerful thing, it has no effect, absolutely none, on someone's ability to preach the gospel and/or serve a mission. There's nothing special about being a man on a mission. Women can do the same thing without the priesthood. So you're wrong, serving a mission is not a priesthood duty. That's like saying that you, Maddy, have a relief-societyhood duty to birth many babies! So in the future, redhead (who appears to dye her hair, FAKER! :P) please refrain from making sexist and gender stereotyping comments.
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I served a mission a long time ago. I am much older (48) than the majority of you commenting on this blog post. I'm VERY glad I came across your post. I am a convert and knew I wanted to serve. It was the right thing for me. I am now the mother of an almost 16 year old girl. We live in a place with a high percentage of LDS. No early morning seminary around here. My daughter received her patriarchal blessing and there was no mention of anything remotely related to missionary service in her younger years. The girls around here are all talking about how they're going on missions now. She gets odd questions when she expresses that she isn't going to serve a mission. She has other goals that fit her. I really wish more of the young women would consider this more seriously. I loved my mission but I saw missionaries (both sisters and elders) that didn't want to be there. They were there because someone else wanted them out there. They were ineffective missionaries and a real strain on their companions and the mission president. I'm glad the age for sisters was lowered. I had to wait for two long years after I knew I was going. But all the pressure you young sisters are now under is tough. And all the questions you are being subjected to is terrible. Whatever your choice is just make sure it's in the Lord's plan for YOU.
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Thanks so much, can't wait to check out your blog!
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