10 Things Girls Who Aren’t Serving Missions Want You To Know

Nobody panic, I’m not becoming the spokesperson for girls who aren’t serving missions. This may also apply to young men who aren’t serving! And maybe not every girl feels like this. But I’ve been in situations where I’ve seen girls struggle with the decision about a mission for reasons that they shouldn’t have to worry about. I’m not insecure in my decision, nor am I angry or offended. I’ve just seen so many girls, myself included, become discouraged because of these issues. Some say they don’t see the judgment happening, or that I shouldn’t have to address it. But it’s out there, and I feel like it needs to be addressed, if only so people can understand what it feels like. Also, I know that not everyone assumes things about girls going on missions, some people are very open and happy with anyone’s decision. This is just my rambling to those who I have come in contact with who don’t understand some of these things, and I want to clarify.

10 Things Girls Who Aren’t Serving Missions Want You To Know

1. We still love the Gospel. Yes, that’s right! Just because we aren’t dedicating a year and a half of our lives to solely preach the Gospel, doesn’t mean we aren’t dedicating every day of our lives to the Lord. We are looking for ways to help, serve, teach, and minister every single day. Even though we don’t wear a badge on our chest, we all have “badges painted on our heart” as Elder Nelson would say.

2. When you go on about how attractive sister missionaries are, how you’ll only marry an RM, and how much of a better mom a girl is who has served a mission, it can hurt our feelings. You probably don’t mean it to be offensive, but it is. We look at the path we’ve chosen as inferior in your eyes. We see our future children and wonder if you’re right about their mother and how less spiritual she’ll be. We wonder if we should go and serve solely because it will make us more attractive to you. We think our personal scripture study, the fulfilling of our callings, our desire to serve others, our teaching and helping those around us, isn’t enough. We’ll still be great wives and mothers, promise!
3. We appreciate it when you recognize those of us who haven’t served missions in your lessons/talks. We love missionary work. Honestly we do. What we don’t love, is feeling that we missed out on the only right option by choosing not to serve. The Church’s focus IS missionary work, but that doesn’t necessarily mean a full-time mission. We love hearing about how to serve as a member and how to be an example to those around you no matter where you live. We’re not crazy about lessons detailing how every, single person should serve a mission, it’s always the best option, you’ll never be close to the spirit like you will be on a mission, asking people if they have a mission story they’d like to share, or saying “If you’ve served a mission, you understand this…” This can also offend guys who were worthy to serve, and weren’t able to.
4. We’ve prayed about our decision. I was a little taken back when a member of my ward asked me if I’d prayed about my decision to not serve. That’s a very personal, and very frustrating thing to be asked. So let me just put all your minds at ease, we’ve prayed about it. Or we’re praying about it. We’re going to be obedient to the answer we’ve been given, and hopefully that’s acceptable in your eyes.
5. We aren’t all looking to get married. Sometimes it seems there are two options; go on a mission or get married. Some of us aren’t doing either. Sure, we’re open to the idea of marriage, but we didn’t stay home from missions to get married right away. Some of us are focusing on school, careers, church service, and some of us were just plain told not to serve a mission and we’re making it our goal to be a tool in Heavenly Father’s hands, wherever he needs us. I’ll go where you want me to go, oh Lord…even if that means staying right here. 
6. No two of us are the same. We have different goals, different reasons for not serving. Some sisters don’t have the desire to serve, and that’s ok! Some do have the desire, and couldn’t go for medical or other reasons, and that’s ok too! Some of us have the desire to serve, and through personal revelation realized that serving a mission was not part of our plan. And that’s ok too! Some of us are older, some of us are younger, it doesn’t matter! We’re all different, we all love the Gospel, and we’re all striving to be our best selves.
7. We appreciate when you’re proud of our accomplishments. Sometimes it’s hard to watch you get so excited when someone is submitting their mission papers, gets their call, or is heading out, and not be as excited for the good things we’re accomplishing. Sometimes, we feel like the things we’re doing aren’t important or wonderful. Help us see that going to school, getting that job, acing a test, or taking time out to help others, is exciting and important too. 
8. We’re proud of our fellow sisters. We applaud them and their diligence, we appreciate them and we love them. We want to help the missionaries and show our support for them. We value their service as our sisters and we want them to accomplish great things. Our choosing not to go has no reflection on sister missionary service, or women’s place in the church for that matter. 
9. We are busy. We probably aren’t busy in the same way full-time missionaries are, but we are busy! We’re going to school or working, serving in church callings, helping our families and friends, taking time for personal worship, reading, learning, growing, helping, teaching and a million other things! 

10. We need your love! Sometimes it’s easy to feel down, beaten, and inferior. We appreciate every single person who lifts us up, makes us smile, and helps us realize we aren’t alone. And we love you right back!

238 Comments

  1. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts as an RM! I love hearing from my girls who have served. Thanks again, and so good to hear from you girl!

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  2. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts as an RM! I love hearing from my girls who have served. Thanks again, and so good to hear from you girl!

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  3. Thanks for sharing! My dad and husband didn't have the opportunity to serve missions but they are very spiritual. My dad was inactive until about a year he met my mom, and my husband was a convert to the church and not in a good position to go when he could have, plus his Bishop told him not to. My husband also prayed about it and felt that the Lord had other plans for him. Plus I've known some awesome people who the Lord told to serve in the military instead of missions. Serving a mission doesn't automatically make a person more spiritual. Spiritual growth is a personal process and different for each person.

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  4. Thanks for sharing! My dad and husband didn't have the opportunity to serve missions but they are very spiritual. My dad was inactive until about a year he met my mom, and my husband was a convert to the church and not in a good position to go when he could have, plus his Bishop told him not to. My husband also prayed about it and felt that the Lord had other plans for him. Plus I've known some awesome people who the Lord told to serve in the military instead of missions. Serving a mission doesn't automatically make a person more spiritual. Spiritual growth is a personal process and different for each person.

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  5. Sometimes the culture can be hard, but I just keep telling myself that people aren't perfect but Jesus Christ is! And that's all that matters really! You sound like an incredibly supportive dad, your kids are very lucky!

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  6. Sometimes the culture can be hard, but I just keep telling myself that people aren't perfect but Jesus Christ is! And that's all that matters really! You sound like an incredibly supportive dad, your kids are very lucky!

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  7. Thank you so much for writing this article. I came across it in my news feed on Facebook today after just telling my friend how frustrated I was about this exact topic. Thank You!

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  8. I loved this article! The attitude I get now, because I'm 23 and unmarried, is that my only option left in life is to go on a mission. I have had random strangers go, \”Oh, your not married or engaged or even dating someone seriously right now? Your going a mission then right?\” When I answered no to all, one women seriously asked me if I even had any goals for my life. No joke. People need to understand its a personal decision that is not made lightly. As for not dating anyone but an RM, that is such a cruel thing to say. You don't know why someone didn't go on a mission. I had a conversation with a friend about this once. I simply said if they didn't go because they had no testimony and still hadn't gained one it would be a concern of if they didn't resolve a matter with the bishop, say like chastity, and it was still unresolved. Other than that, if they are an active, worthy priesthood holder or striving to become one, than don't judge just because of a mission.

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  9. I loved this article! The attitude I get now, because I'm 23 and unmarried, is that my only option left in life is to go on a mission. I have had random strangers go, \”Oh, your not married or engaged or even dating someone seriously right now? Your going a mission then right?\” When I answered no to all, one women seriously asked me if I even had any goals for my life. No joke. People need to understand its a personal decision that is not made lightly. As for not dating anyone but an RM, that is such a cruel thing to say. You don't know why someone didn't go on a mission. I had a conversation with a friend about this once. I simply said if they didn't go because they had no testimony and still hadn't gained one it would be a concern of if they didn't resolve a matter with the bishop, say like chastity, and it was still unresolved. Other than that, if they are an active, worthy priesthood holder or striving to become one, than don't judge just because of a mission.

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  10. It does seem clear that serving a mission is a commandment for young men. I am not sure there is a difference between a priesthood duty and a commandment. Priesthood duty seems to fall under the category of commandment. But it is also a commandment to love one another. There are many reasons why young men don't serve missions. My husband did not serve a full time mission. When he graduated high school, he was not at a strong place spiritually in his life. He joined the Marines instead and has been invaluable to our country, and still is. He is currently serving his 7th deployment. The military has also been invaluable to our family. It was in boot camp that my husband, and many other Marines either join the church or come back from inactivity. Also, it is not true that The Lord NEVER instructs young men not to go on missions. Some pray about it and receive an answer not to go. Many cannot go because of health reasons. I even knew a young man once who put in his papers and when he received his call in the mail, it told him not to go because he was needed at home. He had no idea why.

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  11. Thanks for your comments! I was also put in that situation a lot before I got married – my career has always been a hugely important goal in my life and people were so quick to disregard that, which was too bad. Thanks again for sharing!

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  12. Thanks for your comments! I was also put in that situation a lot before I got married – my career has always been a hugely important goal in my life and people were so quick to disregard that, which was too bad. Thanks again for sharing!

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  13. I think this is a very good thing to point out. Yes ad many here have stated that it's basically a commandment for young men to serve missions and it's only aloud for them not to go either if they have health problems or received an answer not to. But my thoughts go not to that more to how women treat men on the factor of how less attractive a man is because he didn't go. I think that is still wrong. I have literally been turned down in a relationship because of that. Although that was sad to experience it should go for men also that just because they don't serve a mission doesn't mean they don't have standards or try to do their best. The judgment statements are good but I feel are too narrow of a field. Because in many things in this article apply to how men are treated just the same. For years I was treated differently and even avoided at times because I was over 19 and still had not served a mission not unail I ended deciding to. Them everyone that acted that way changed like it was the only thing that was keeping them from talking to me. But even after having served a mission I will say that I am not treated very much differently by either male or female as I was before I decided to serve. So I will say I enjoy this article and that it applies to all not just women.

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  14. I think this is a very good thing to point out. Yes ad many here have stated that it's basically a commandment for young men to serve missions and it's only aloud for them not to go either if they have health problems or received an answer not to. But my thoughts go not to that more to how women treat men on the factor of how less attractive a man is because he didn't go. I think that is still wrong. I have literally been turned down in a relationship because of that. Although that was sad to experience it should go for men also that just because they don't serve a mission doesn't mean they don't have standards or try to do their best. The judgment statements are good but I feel are too narrow of a field. Because in many things in this article apply to how men are treated just the same. For years I was treated differently and even avoided at times because I was over 19 and still had not served a mission not unail I ended deciding to. Them everyone that acted that way changed like it was the only thing that was keeping them from talking to me. But even after having served a mission I will say that I am not treated very much differently by either male or female as I was before I decided to serve. So I will say I enjoy this article and that it applies to all not just women.

    Like

  15. You're totally right, this applies to all! Everyone has a story and we need to support all. Thanks so much for sharing your story, hopefully you and others just like you can help keep the conversation going so this stops being a problem!

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  16. You're totally right, this applies to all! Everyone has a story and we need to support all. Thanks so much for sharing your story, hopefully you and others just like you can help keep the conversation going so this stops being a problem!

    Like

  17. My daughter served her mission right here at home by setting a good example for her then-inactive brother, his then-nonmember wife and children. Last year, my son became reactivated, and was later able to baptize his three children, who were then 14 and 12 years old (the twins). Earlier this year, my son baptized his wife during the Mother's Day weekend. Yes, my daughter served a mission, and continues to do so through her single adult branch activities, as a visiting teacher, and within our extended family. Before all of this happened, I remember asking my daughter if she was planning to go on a mission. She responded, \”Mom, I feel like I'm already on one.\” She taught me a great lesson then: We can be member missionaries right where we are.

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  18. I appreciate this article, especially now with the lowered age for sisters! I planned to about serve a mission back in my BYU days (in the early 90sswhem many more girls were serving). I was excited and had told my friends that I was going to put in my papers when I went home for the summer. I went home, prayed about it, and the answer I got was no! I was so sad! I didn't understand why but I now see that it was important for me to stay in college. Heavenly Father knows where we need to be and knows the beat path for each of us. If we will trust Him we will be fine! 🙂

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  19. Thank you for sharing your story! You're right, we need to trust and believe that Heavenly Father knows the best path for each and everyone one of us!

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  20. Thank you for sharing your story! You're right, we need to trust and believe that Heavenly Father knows the best path for each and everyone one of us!

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  21. Thank you for this article. My daughter has chosen to not serve a mission, but she loves Family History work. She has found thousands of names, and she does Baptisms for the Dead once a week. She is doing missionary work! Even as an adult woman who did not serve a mission, I have at times felt that the women who did serve are treated better than those of us who didn't. That somehow we don't know the scriptures as well or aren't as spiritual. I know this isn't true, but it still bothers me.

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  22. It's kind of odd how the stigma has changed with the age change. I served a mission back in the day when you had to be 21. And I felt stigma from alot of different corners- guys thought I wasn't married, so I was serving. RM's didn't like RM sisters because we knew too much about the mission, and even sisters were slightly condescending, as if \”Well, you couldn't get married- like me!- so I wish you the best on your mission\”. Of course, not eveyrone was this way and I think I was overly sensitive because I felt judged. But it's odd to see non serving sisters being the ones judged now. Either way, judgement sucks and doesn't serve any helpful purpose and we don't know how to do it which is why we should leave it to God. The only thing I feel about sisters who don't serve is a little sad- there is no life experience that is like the mission and you learn so much, in such a short time, and you have to learn to rely on Heavenly Father and you see so many miracles- (you also feel like you are going crazy, dream of being alone- away from comps- one day, deal with intense and routine rejection, etc) I wouldn't trade my mission for a million dollars and it has made me the person that I am. That's why I feel sad for sisters who don't serve- not because they are less righteous or won't be amazing wives and mothers but because you learn so much- about yourself, your faith, how to talk to people, how to handle rejection, how to serve, how to forget yourself, what kind of shoes to wear in the rain, how to compromise with a crazy companion, what it feels like to step outside the secular world for a brief time and wrap yourself up in the Gospel through music, scriptures, and dedicated service.- you learn how to be a counselor, a confidante, a teacher, a coach, a stand in mom, a leader of hymns- you learn how to fight fair (with a comp), you learn that it's ok to ask for help, you learn to trust yourself and listen to the Spirit, you learn that you can do things you thought were impossible, you learn to value your family and that you can go almost a whole year without talking to them and be ok. You learn how to pack and clean rapidly, you learn how to connect with someone you just met in one minute or less. You learn how to listen, how to give, without recieving, how to stand up for yourself and your beliefs. I guess, in all of this rambling, what I really wanted to convey is that God has a different plan for each of his daughters and sons. He knows what we came here to learn and how we need to grow. He will judge us and so its not fair for us to judge each other. And that, if you are thinking of serving, and you don't have a medical issue or a firm \”no\” from Heavenly Father, I could not recommend more highly that you go. There has not been one day in the 13 years since my mission that it has not impacted me in a positive way. Chicago (where I served) is my Promised Land. I hope that if you have desires to serve, you find your own promised land. You won't regret it. 🙂

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  23. It's kind of odd how the stigma has changed with the age change. I served a mission back in the day when you had to be 21. And I felt stigma from alot of different corners- guys thought I wasn't married, so I was serving. RM's didn't like RM sisters because we knew too much about the mission, and even sisters were slightly condescending, as if \”Well, you couldn't get married- like me!- so I wish you the best on your mission\”. Of course, not eveyrone was this way and I think I was overly sensitive because I felt judged. But it's odd to see non serving sisters being the ones judged now. Either way, judgement sucks and doesn't serve any helpful purpose and we don't know how to do it which is why we should leave it to God. The only thing I feel about sisters who don't serve is a little sad- there is no life experience that is like the mission and you learn so much, in such a short time, and you have to learn to rely on Heavenly Father and you see so many miracles- (you also feel like you are going crazy, dream of being alone- away from comps- one day, deal with intense and routine rejection, etc) I wouldn't trade my mission for a million dollars and it has made me the person that I am. That's why I feel sad for sisters who don't serve- not because they are less righteous or won't be amazing wives and mothers but because you learn so much- about yourself, your faith, how to talk to people, how to handle rejection, how to serve, how to forget yourself, what kind of shoes to wear in the rain, how to compromise with a crazy companion, what it feels like to step outside the secular world for a brief time and wrap yourself up in the Gospel through music, scriptures, and dedicated service.- you learn how to be a counselor, a confidante, a teacher, a coach, a stand in mom, a leader of hymns- you learn how to fight fair (with a comp), you learn that it's ok to ask for help, you learn to trust yourself and listen to the Spirit, you learn that you can do things you thought were impossible, you learn to value your family and that you can go almost a whole year without talking to them and be ok. You learn how to pack and clean rapidly, you learn how to connect with someone you just met in one minute or less. You learn how to listen, how to give, without recieving, how to stand up for yourself and your beliefs. I guess, in all of this rambling, what I really wanted to convey is that God has a different plan for each of his daughters and sons. He knows what we came here to learn and how we need to grow. He will judge us and so its not fair for us to judge each other. And that, if you are thinking of serving, and you don't have a medical issue or a firm \”no\” from Heavenly Father, I could not recommend more highly that you go. There has not been one day in the 13 years since my mission that it has not impacted me in a positive way. Chicago (where I served) is my Promised Land. I hope that if you have desires to serve, you find your own promised land. You won't regret it. 🙂

    Like

  24. Thanks so much for your comment and your story! I totally agree that the stigma has changed which is so interesting! Having less judgment all around would be awesome, which is the what the post is all about! I hope you don't feel sad for sisters who don't serve. I certainly am not sad I didn't serve; I know it was the right thing to do, and I'm very happy with how my story is going! There are experiences that we have not serving missions, that other people will never have. I think it's fair to say that any experience you have can and will shape your life, and is maybe something other people won't experience. For example, I was a Relief Society president while I wasn't serving a full time mission. I learned so much about trusting God, loving people I normally would not have interacted with, learned about being non-judgmental, to forget myself, how to handle rejection, how to teach lessons to people who had never heard anything like this before, and to people who had heard it all their lives. I also learned about being a stand-in mom, a companion, a counselor, a confidante. I had hard conversations with parents who were worried about their children, counseled with Bishops and spent a lot of time praying, trusting, fasting, and learning. Not everyone will have this experience, because it's not something everyone will be called to do. I do believe, however, that people who don't have my exact experience will still learn those things in the way that is best for them. In the way they are called to learn it. I totally agree that people should find their promised land. Mine just happens to be Provo, Utah. It's the place where I went from knowing ABOUT Christ…to truly KNOWING Him, as my friend and my Savior. Thanks again so much for your comments!! Everyone has a wonderful story, thanks for sharing yours:)

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  25. Thanks so much for your comment and your story! I totally agree that the stigma has changed which is so interesting! Having less judgment all around would be awesome, which is the what the post is all about! I hope you don't feel sad for sisters who don't serve. I certainly am not sad I didn't serve; I know it was the right thing to do, and I'm very happy with how my story is going! There are experiences that we have not serving missions, that other people will never have. I think it's fair to say that any experience you have can and will shape your life, and is maybe something other people won't experience. For example, I was a Relief Society president while I wasn't serving a full time mission. I learned so much about trusting God, loving people I normally would not have interacted with, learned about being non-judgmental, to forget myself, how to handle rejection, how to teach lessons to people who had never heard anything like this before, and to people who had heard it all their lives. I also learned about being a stand-in mom, a companion, a counselor, a confidante. I had hard conversations with parents who were worried about their children, counseled with Bishops and spent a lot of time praying, trusting, fasting, and learning. Not everyone will have this experience, because it's not something everyone will be called to do. I do believe, however, that people who don't have my exact experience will still learn those things in the way that is best for them. In the way they are called to learn it. I totally agree that people should find their promised land. Mine just happens to be Provo, Utah. It's the place where I went from knowing ABOUT Christ…to truly KNOWING Him, as my friend and my Savior. Thanks again so much for your comments!! Everyone has a wonderful story, thanks for sharing yours:)

    Like

  26. Thank you SO, SO much for this. I am 19 years old and my twin sister left on her mission to Singapore just a few months ago. All through my teen years, I had a desire to go on a mission, but when I prayed about it, I felt it was the wrong choice. Even so, it was very hard for me to watch her prepare, get her call, and leave, and it's still hard now. It was especially hard because almost every time someone found out she was going, they would ask me if I was, too. And when I told them I was not, I always got one of a handful of responses. \”Oh.\” \”Did you pray about it?\” \”That's too bad.\” \”Why not?\” \”Oh, well, you'll change your mind!\” \”Don't you want to?\” \”I think you should really consider it prayerfully.\” \”I think you should go.\” All of which totally ignored the fact that I DID consider it prayerfully, I DID want to go, and I shouldn't have to feel bad about my decision. Eventually, when they asked, I just started telling people, \”The Lord told me not to.\” That stopped all but the most stubborn. Even then, they'd say something like, \”Oh, well, I'm sure the Lord has something for you to do too,\” sounding rather unconvinced. It was a very painful time for me and I'm glad your article addresses it.

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  27. Thank you SO, SO much for this. I am 19 years old and my twin sister left on her mission to Singapore just a few months ago. All through my teen years, I had a desire to go on a mission, but when I prayed about it, I felt it was the wrong choice. Even so, it was very hard for me to watch her prepare, get her call, and leave, and it's still hard now. It was especially hard because almost every time someone found out she was going, they would ask me if I was, too. And when I told them I was not, I always got one of a handful of responses. \”Oh.\” \”Did you pray about it?\” \”That's too bad.\” \”Why not?\” \”Oh, well, you'll change your mind!\” \”Don't you want to?\” \”I think you should really consider it prayerfully.\” \”I think you should go.\” All of which totally ignored the fact that I DID consider it prayerfully, I DID want to go, and I shouldn't have to feel bad about my decision. Eventually, when they asked, I just started telling people, \”The Lord told me not to.\” That stopped all but the most stubborn. Even then, they'd say something like, \”Oh, well, I'm sure the Lord has something for you to do too,\” sounding rather unconvinced. It was a very painful time for me and I'm glad your article addresses it.

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  28. Rachel dear, thank you so much for commenting! I know exactly how you feel, it's such a frustrating place to be in. But know that you're doing what's right for you, and nobody can take away that peace. In some ways going through this has given me a confidence in my decisions and capabilities that I may never have had. It's wonderful to see the good that Heavenly Father can place in a tough situation. I wish you the best of luck, please reach out if you need anything!

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  29. So I'm reading this thread and I'm blown away by what I'm hearing. Women are being looked down upon for not going on a mission!?!? This is crazy. Is this something happening in certain areas? Because I have not had this experience at all. I live in Florida does that change things ?

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  30. So I'm reading this thread and I'm blown away by what I'm hearing. Women are being looked down upon for not going on a mission!?!? This is crazy. Is this something happening in certain areas? Because I have not had this experience at all. I live in Florida does that change things ?

    Like

  31. Thank you for the sweet response you gave to my comment a year ago. I don’t know you but I still want to let you know that I’ve made peace with God’s plan for me. My twin sister gets back from her mission to Malaysia in two weeks, so it’s about time!Over the last year, I’ve found many surprising reasons God wanted me to stay home, most importantly to help raise a little girl who calls me family. I recently was talking to her foster mother about my twin sister’s mission, and the (nonmember) foster mom told me, “We’re so grateful you chose this as your mission.” Ironically, one of my biggest worries was that I wouldn’t be as good a mom as an RM, but this has truly prepared me for motherhood. God has a way of giving us the blessings we need, where He needs us.

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  32. Thank you for the sweet response you gave to my comment a year ago. I don’t know you but I still want to let you know that I’ve made peace with God’s plan for me. My twin sister gets back from her mission to Malaysia in two weeks, so it’s about time!Over the last year, I’ve found many surprising reasons God wanted me to stay home, most importantly to help raise a little girl who calls me family. I recently was talking to her foster mother about my twin sister’s mission, and the (nonmember) foster mom told me, “We’re so grateful you chose this as your mission.” Ironically, one of my biggest worries was that I wouldn’t be as good a mom as an RM, but this has truly prepared me for motherhood. God has a way of giving us the blessings we need, where He needs us.

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  33. My dear friend! This story made me SOB. Thank you SO much for sharing. God has a way of using us and telling us where He needs us. I am SO grateful you found where you were supposed to be, and that you shared that with me. What a beautiful mission you were called to! Thank you so much, and best of luck as you keep moving forward in this, and other missions!

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