Nobody panic, I’m not becoming the spokesperson for girls who aren’t serving missions. This may also apply to young men who aren’t serving! And maybe not every girl feels like this. But I’ve been in situations where I’ve seen girls struggle with the decision about a mission for reasons that they shouldn’t have to worry about. I’m not insecure in my decision, nor am I angry or offended. I’ve just seen so many girls, myself included, become discouraged because of these issues. Some say they don’t see the judgment happening, or that I shouldn’t have to address it. But it’s out there, and I feel like it needs to be addressed, if only so people can understand what it feels like. Also, I know that not everyone assumes things about girls going on missions, some people are very open and happy with anyone’s decision. This is just my rambling to those who I have come in contact with who don’t understand some of these things, and I want to clarify.
10 Things Girls Who Aren’t Serving Missions Want You To Know
1. We still love the Gospel. Yes, that’s right! Just because we aren’t dedicating a year and a half of our lives to solely preach the Gospel, doesn’t mean we aren’t dedicating every day of our lives to the Lord. We are looking for ways to help, serve, teach, and minister every single day. Even though we don’t wear a badge on our chest, we all have “badges painted on our heart” as Elder Nelson would say.
2. When you go on about how attractive sister missionaries are, how you’ll only marry an RM, and how much of a better mom a girl is who has served a mission, it can hurt our feelings. You probably don’t mean it to be offensive, but it is. We look at the path we’ve chosen as inferior in your eyes. We see our future children and wonder if you’re right about their mother and how less spiritual she’ll be. We wonder if we should go and serve solely because it will make us more attractive to you. We think our personal scripture study, the fulfilling of our callings, our desire to serve others, our teaching and helping those around us, isn’t enough. We’ll still be great wives and mothers, promise!
3. We appreciate it when you recognize those of us who haven’t served missions in your lessons/talks. We love missionary work. Honestly we do. What we don’t love, is feeling that we missed out on the only right option by choosing not to serve. The Church’s focus IS missionary work, but that doesn’t necessarily mean a full-time mission. We love hearing about how to serve as a member and how to be an example to those around you no matter where you live. We’re not crazy about lessons detailing how every, single person should serve a mission, it’s always the best option, you’ll never be close to the spirit like you will be on a mission, asking people if they have a mission story they’d like to share, or saying “If you’ve served a mission, you understand this…” This can also offend guys who were worthy to serve, and weren’t able to.
4. We’ve prayed about our decision. I was a little taken back when a member of my ward asked me if I’d prayed about my decision to not serve. That’s a very personal, and very frustrating thing to be asked. So let me just put all your minds at ease, we’ve prayed about it. Or we’re praying about it. We’re going to be obedient to the answer we’ve been given, and hopefully that’s acceptable in your eyes.
5. We aren’t all looking to get married. Sometimes it seems there are two options; go on a mission or get married. Some of us aren’t doing either. Sure, we’re open to the idea of marriage, but we didn’t stay home from missions to get married right away. Some of us are focusing on school, careers, church service, and some of us were just plain told not to serve a mission and we’re making it our goal to be a tool in Heavenly Father’s hands, wherever he needs us. I’ll go where you want me to go, oh Lord…even if that means staying right here.
6. No two of us are the same. We have different goals, different reasons for not serving. Some sisters don’t have the desire to serve, and that’s ok! Some do have the desire, and couldn’t go for medical or other reasons, and that’s ok too! Some of us have the desire to serve, and through personal revelation realized that serving a mission was not part of our plan. And that’s ok too! Some of us are older, some of us are younger, it doesn’t matter! We’re all different, we all love the Gospel, and we’re all striving to be our best selves.
7. We appreciate when you’re proud of our accomplishments. Sometimes it’s hard to watch you get so excited when someone is submitting their mission papers, gets their call, or is heading out, and not be as excited for the good things we’re accomplishing. Sometimes, we feel like the things we’re doing aren’t important or wonderful. Help us see that going to school, getting that job, acing a test, or taking time out to help others, is exciting and important too.
8. We’re proud of our fellow sisters. We applaud them and their diligence, we appreciate them and we love them. We want to help the missionaries and show our support for them. We value their service as our sisters and we want them to accomplish great things. Our choosing not to go has no reflection on sister missionary service, or women’s place in the church for that matter.
9. We are busy. We probably aren’t busy in the same way full-time missionaries are, but we are busy! We’re going to school or working, serving in church callings, helping our families and friends, taking time for personal worship, reading, learning, growing, helping, teaching and a million other things!
10. We need your love! Sometimes it’s easy to feel down, beaten, and inferior. We appreciate every single person who lifts us up, makes us smile, and helps us realize we aren’t alone. And we love you right back!
Here Is The Low Down 
Haha thank you! You are too sweet!
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Yes. I love you for writing all my feelings out. This is perfect. Thank you.
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Yes! I'm went on a mission and #3 especially bothers me. Missionaries don't have a corner on the spirituality market and assuming that they know more about how to feel the Spirit or live the gospel than anyone else is ignorant and rude.
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I've seen this posted a few times on Facebook but just got around to reading. My husband and I have been married five and a half years and have two beautiful boys. When I went to college I specifically applied to state college rather than BYU because I wanted to get an education, and serve a mission. Not be one of \”those girls\” who \”just\” got married. Of course my husband who was just returning from his mission had similar thoughts and we met in the singles branch- getting married just 18 months after I left for college. I struggled with the thought that I wouldn't be serving a full time mission- especially because my husband LOVED his and has so many amazing stories. When the age change happened (after I was already a wife and mama) my heart sank and I felt almost jealous- but as I prayed and reflected- I realized how many missionary opportunities I would not have experienced if I had gone. I finished my degree as an educator and now I have opportunities to share the gospel with so many people I would not have met otherwise, and my own experiences have been personally invaluable.
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I read your blog about sister missionaries and I realized that I shouldn´t be just trying to have a golden standard for a future spouse. I loved your thoughts because they are clear and concise. Thank you for helping me, a BYUI student, to open up my mind just a little bit more!
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This is a fascinating shift in mormon culture because a few decades ago the girls who went on missions were seen to be the ones who couldn't get dates on the weekend, the ones who no one wanted to marry, etc. With the age change for missionaries I can't believe how it has flip flopped.
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Be careful about judging all \”those girls\” who went/go to BYU. Not all of us went to get married. I got a great education and have never been married. The whole point of this article is not to judge….
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Be careful about judging all \”those girls\” who went/go to BYU. Not all of us went to get married. I got a great education and have never been married. The whole point of this article is not to judge….
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I love the points you have made. I went through all of those things and each emotion when I got my answer to take a mission off the table…for a little while. Now, however, I have my mission call and I think these views that have been expressed in your article actually get turned around to bite perspective missionaries in the behind. I have had people approach me and say, \”Oh, no boyfriend after your first year of college? You should definitely go on a mission then. Marriage just must not be in the cards.\” Likewise, I have been criticized for my desire to marry a returned missionary. I think when we push either side to the extreme rather than see both sides of the spectrum, we are disabling one another. I respect your perspective and have felt all those things during a time when a mission was not in the cards, but at the same time, I don't think those of us who are about to serve should be condemned or accused of being judgmental or close-minded just because we have decided to serve/want to marry an RM/are called on to share mission experiences/have different insights to share, having served a full-time mission. The intent of my comment is not to be a troll, merely to state the other side of the story.
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I love the points you have made. I went through all of those things and each emotion when I got my answer to take a mission off the table…for a little while. Now, however, I have my mission call and I think these views that have been expressed in your article actually get turned around to bite perspective missionaries in the behind. I have had people approach me and say, \”Oh, no boyfriend after your first year of college? You should definitely go on a mission then. Marriage just must not be in the cards.\” Likewise, I have been criticized for my desire to marry a returned missionary. I think when we push either side to the extreme rather than see both sides of the spectrum, we are disabling one another. I respect your perspective and have felt all those things during a time when a mission was not in the cards, but at the same time, I don't think those of us who are about to serve should be condemned or accused of being judgmental or close-minded just because we have decided to serve/want to marry an RM/are called on to share mission experiences/have different insights to share, having served a full-time mission. The intent of my comment is not to be a troll, merely to state the other side of the story.
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As an eighteen year old young man trying to figure out if a mission is right for me or not, I really liked this article and your comment, Maddy and Katie. I have some minor health issues that make serving a mission possibly not the best thing for me. I have talked with my bishop about this and he even said that a regular is mission does not sound right for me and a possibly any type of mission might not be right. I totally agree that young men feel bad too when young women say they only want to marry a return missionary, which definitely is not a bad thing to want. One big fear of mine is that young women will not be able to understand or ignore the reason I have to not serve a mission. I hope the young women I meet later in life are as open and understanding as you are! With a year left in high school still I have some time to figure whether a mission is right for me or not. I know my heart can still be in the right place even if a mission is not in my plans. Overall a wonderful article and opinion!
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As a returned missionary and mother of four daughters, I have always encouraged my daughters to be worthy to go, prepare to go, and have the desire to go. After that, it is their decision. Going on a mission for the wrong reasons is not productive for elders or sisters. There is a range of reasons that people have for going (pure desire, obedience, boredom, charity, pressure from others, etc) and a range of reasons for not going (fear, other righteous activities, lack of testimony, selfishness, following God's will, etc.) Each of us needs to prayerfully discover the will of the Lord and then have the courage to obey. I hope all of my daughters go. There is a spiritual maturity and level of doctrinal knowledge that is very difficult to achieve without the mission. My mission has blessed me every day of my life and has made me a better wife, mother, church member, citizen, teacher, and Christian. We all need to judge less and be more supportive of other peoples' choices.
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My only issue with that is some choose other ways to serve that are not acknowledged whatsoever. My husband (then boyfriend) made the just as honorable choice to join the Army. Then deployed to Afghanistan. While that isn't the choice for everyone, it seemed looked down upon because \”every worthy and able young man should serve a mission\”. It saddens me to no end that when he gets asked if he served/where he served his mission and he says \”I didn't, I joined the military\” people aren't as open to that idea as they are a mission. I think there are things men who aren't serving a mission want everyone to know as well. 🙂 food for thought.
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What an amazing article! Like Mark, I too am a BYU Idaho student. But unlike most of the guys out here, I was not able to serve a full time mission. I was inactive from ages 14-18 (inactive mom, and non member dad…), so I never was pushed to go. Thank goodness my grandma never gave up on me. Anyways, I got back active when I was 18 without the slightest idea of how important a mission was, nor did I truly know that being sealed in the temple was so pertinent to me and my future family. Having such a weak amount of testimony and knowledge, I went ahead and got involved with a 25 year old girl at my local branch. At this time I was working with my bishop to serve a full time mission, but somehow I got distracted. Not only that, but I married this girl civily, and then was divorced a month later (sad I know, but the atonement is so incredible). Needless to say, it's been almost 6 years since that time. The reason I wasn't able to serve a full time mission after that short marriage, was the fact that a child came into play. I was worthy and ready to go, but I had a commitment to child support and seeing my daughter grow. My ex wife is now remarried (almost 4 years now), and her husband has decided to adopt my daughter. Even after all of that, the church doesn't allow you to serve a full time mission if you have had a child. I love missionary work with every fiber of my heart. I have been apart of over 35 different baptisms in the past 6 years, and I've also been endowed and served a 6 month church service mission. Though all of these things have been extremely hard for me, the hardest is when I start dating a girl and break the news that I didn't serve a full time mission (not only that, but being married at age 18 for a month and also being a father really takes it further). I've met some amazing girls, but they continue to drop me after learning of these things. It destroys me everytime, but now that I'm 24, a senior in college, and I have come so far…. I don't let it get me down. Thank you so much for sharing this information with me. It's helped me in so many ways. I'll make sure not to count out girls who haven't served full time missions as I continue to date. You're an inspiration! Keep it up!
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What an amazing article! Like Mark, I too am a BYU Idaho student. But unlike most of the guys out here, I was not able to serve a full time mission. I was inactive from ages 14-18 (inactive mom, and non member dad…), so I never was pushed to go. Thank goodness my grandma never gave up on me. Anyways, I got back active when I was 18 without the slightest idea of how important a mission was, nor did I truly know that being sealed in the temple was so pertinent to me and my future family. Having such a weak amount of testimony and knowledge, I went ahead and got involved with a 25 year old girl at my local branch. At this time I was working with my bishop to serve a full time mission, but somehow I got distracted. Not only that, but I married this girl civily, and then was divorced a month later (sad I know, but the atonement is so incredible). Needless to say, it's been almost 6 years since that time. The reason I wasn't able to serve a full time mission after that short marriage, was the fact that a child came into play. I was worthy and ready to go, but I had a commitment to child support and seeing my daughter grow. My ex wife is now remarried (almost 4 years now), and her husband has decided to adopt my daughter. Even after all of that, the church doesn't allow you to serve a full time mission if you have had a child. I love missionary work with every fiber of my heart. I have been apart of over 35 different baptisms in the past 6 years, and I've also been endowed and served a 6 month church service mission. Though all of these things have been extremely hard for me, the hardest is when I start dating a girl and break the news that I didn't serve a full time mission (not only that, but being married at age 18 for a month and also being a father really takes it further). I've met some amazing girls, but they continue to drop me after learning of these things. It destroys me everytime, but now that I'm 24, a senior in college, and I have come so far…. I don't let it get me down. Thank you so much for sharing this information with me. It's helped me in so many ways. I'll make sure not to count out girls who haven't served full time missions as I continue to date. You're an inspiration! Keep it up!
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Thank you for your support!
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Thank you for your support!
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Thanks Jared, I totally agree!
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Thanks Jared, I totally agree!
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Stereotypes are everywhere, the intent of the article is just to help everyone remember not to judge, and see how judging can be hurtful! Thank you both for your comments!!!
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Stereotypes are everywhere, the intent of the article is just to help everyone remember not to judge, and see how judging can be hurtful! Thank you both for your comments!!!
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Thank YOU for sharing! I really appreciate that:)
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Thank YOU for sharing! I really appreciate that:)
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Totally agree, and neither stereotype is correct! Thanks for bringing this up!
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Totally agree, and neither stereotype is correct! Thanks for bringing this up!
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I'm not at all accusing missionaries. Actually usually the opposite is true. People who are heading out on missions are usually the kindest, most supportive of someone in my situation. This isn't meant to hurt anyone at all, in fact one of the points is that girls who aren't serving missions totally support people who are! We are supportive of missionaries, and the misconception that we aren't supportive is everywhere! This post is merely to point out that there is some judgment happening, whether people see it or not! My goal is that everyone in the church will be a little kinder. That's all! Thanks so much for your comment!
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I'm not at all accusing missionaries. Actually usually the opposite is true. People who are heading out on missions are usually the kindest, most supportive of someone in my situation. This isn't meant to hurt anyone at all, in fact one of the points is that girls who aren't serving missions totally support people who are! We are supportive of missionaries, and the misconception that we aren't supportive is everywhere! This post is merely to point out that there is some judgment happening, whether people see it or not! My goal is that everyone in the church will be a little kinder. That's all! Thanks so much for your comment!
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Thank you so very much for this comment! You are incredible, thank you!
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Thank you so very much for this comment! You are incredible, thank you!
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This is a wonderful and wholesome article. Thank you for this! It made me think of my own papa and best friend (and most likely my brother as well) who all haven't gone on missions due to enlisting in the military, work, and school. It's sad that they (and many others including women) are looking down on this. I love how you said not going on a mission doesn't mean we aren't any less spiritual than those who have. We all love the gospel and are striving to be the best selves we can be. I really needed to read this. It has truly made my morning that much nicer.
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It doesn't matter what others say. The most important is you're doing what the Lord wants you to do! I know that God loves you. and You're the best! and this will never change!
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You're the best sister! God always wants you to be happy. I love your beautiful testimony. And yes! Way to go! Never give up as long as we're doing the right things 😀
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I served a mission almost 30 years ago, and met my wife upon returning, and though an honor to have served, it was an inspired personal choice, that does not make me any better than others. She shared her personal experience of a distinct \”no\” about serving a mission–not because she wasn't prepared, and could have with an RN degree completed; and I would have not met her had she done so (big chance anyway). I look up to her for her spiritual strength and knowledge of the scriptures. I married up, and I'm blessed to know she believes the same. Her father did not, as a new convert, at the time, but I have great love and respect for his strength, key in teaching my wife to be a scriptorian and family history buff. I like the idea of appreciating people for who they are, and though experiences can add to ones character, so can other experiences, even the regretful ones. I known people that didn't serve due to a lifestyle experience, and since have become so strong in their convictions I too look up to them. I frown on judging people, and believe the admonition, if you are going to judge, judge righteously. Our Father in Heaven does so perfectly with great understanding of all' potential. Still a love I want to still develop. It wasn't mentioned about the military choice to serve, of which I have a great respect for that service also, many times a mission of sorts, definitely a way to prove to oneself the spiritual adversities in that setting also. The main issue appears to be choosing now our trek of being spiritually strong to face our current adversities while celebrating the diversities. Thank you for the article, and caring comments generated by previous responses. Much needed.
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Daniel…just continue to press forward and remain faithful..the Lord will take care of you.
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Instead of \”I didn't,\” I'd say, \”I served my mission in Afghanistan.\” And if further pressed, \”A mission for my country.\” Because that is a true statement.
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Instead of \”I didn't,\” I'd say, \”I served my mission in Afghanistan.\” And if further pressed, \”A mission for my country.\” Because that is a true statement.
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Thank you for this. As a 26 year old who didn't serve but is endowed, it's frustrating when people just assume that I served or ask me why I'm not. I agreed with each of those points, they all hit close to home.
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Thank you for this. As a 26 year old who didn't serve but is endowed, it's frustrating when people just assume that I served or ask me why I'm not. I agreed with each of those points, they all hit close to home.
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Thanks Maddy! You're also incredible! We're all incredible right? Not any of us are dull creatures. We're literal children of the Most High. And thanks Lisa, I'll do my best. I'm not letting it get me down. I've been changed completely, and I know I'm right with the Lord. I appreciate both of you, really I do.
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Thanks Maddy! You're also incredible! We're all incredible right? Not any of us are dull creatures. We're literal children of the Most High. And thanks Lisa, I'll do my best. I'm not letting it get me down. I've been changed completely, and I know I'm right with the Lord. I appreciate both of you, really I do.
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Topics like this are kind of a hot button for me as I despise anyone being bullied or treated in less than a dignified and respectful manner. No one should EVER be made fun of or treated as if choosing an apple versus an orange somehow makes them evil. (Emphasis on: they're both fruit. Chemical composition may be different, but neither is bad.) That doesn't mean that everything that anyone does is right, but love people first. Judgment is reserved for those with authority, and that usually is not granted to those tossing out unkind quips or digs. I'm a female RM married to a man who isn't an RM. He was inactive for 15 years (including mission age) due to members ignoring and excluding him because he wasn't exactly like all the cookie cutter people around him. He is active, temple-attending, and a regular home teacher, and was when I met him. If I married an RM it would have been nice but not a dire necessity. I wanted to marry whomever God said was right. God said no to a bunch of RM’s. God said yes to my kind, gentle sweetheart who I have every confidence is the father of my someday children. We work better together than apart. I believe that following God's will IS the top reason for the eternally significant impact that marriage has. Church conversations need new coding (how we say what we say) and filters (doctrine of love versus a damning culture). Righteousness has nothing to do with whether or not someone served a mission. Doing the best that you know how to do according to the best of your abilities and following God's plan for you is exactly what the gospel teaches. The Church that needs people who are willing to fight for truth (not culture) to be taught, and for cultural problems to be stomped out akin to stomping out a pernicious brush fire. People who are outside of the Church wouldn't know that there was a moiré: it’s all internal struggles that are digging, damaging, and needs soothing kindness to douse them.
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Thank you! So well written. Valid points. Needs to be said! Much appreciated!
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Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my comment! You are a very impressive person. I like what you're aiming to do and I think that taking the time to have written this is awesome. Thanks for your insights and for trying to help change the stigmas that exist with either side of this topic. I hope that members in both situations (sister missionaries and faithful young women who have opted not to serve) can continue to work to be supportive of one another. I believe that girls who choose not to serve are very honorable, because they are being true to their own personalities, promptings, and impressions. Thanks for your words and respectful reply. 🙂
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Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my comment! You are a very impressive person. I like what you're aiming to do and I think that taking the time to have written this is awesome. Thanks for your insights and for trying to help change the stigmas that exist with either side of this topic. I hope that members in both situations (sister missionaries and faithful young women who have opted not to serve) can continue to work to be supportive of one another. I believe that girls who choose not to serve are very honorable, because they are being true to their own personalities, promptings, and impressions. Thanks for your words and respectful reply. 🙂
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God bless you for this! Thanks for sharing your feelings with the world.
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Thank you for sharing! We all need to remember we can be as spiritual as we try to be!
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Thank you for sharing! We all need to remember we can be as spiritual as we try to be!
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Thank you so much for sharing! It's so uplifting to hear the experiences of others and learn from them. Thank you!
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Thank you so much for sharing! It's so uplifting to hear the experiences of others and learn from them. Thank you!
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Thank you for sharing! It's wonderful to know about others in the same situation.
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