I’ve debated sharing this post, but I know I will want to remember this story and the testimony building things that happened. I won’t share all of it; some things are far too sacred for words. But it’s important to remember and be grateful for our journey and our story.

So here we go.

Randy and I were 21 years old when we got married. We were teeny babies who had a whole lot of love, and a whole lot of living ahead. I’m SO grateful we got married when we did (see this post). We joked with everyone we knew that weren’t going to have kids for a LONG time, five years or so. I thought 26 sounded like a good age to have a baby. Randy still had a LOT of school left when we got married, I had just graduated and started a career. I was very content with the idea that I was going to pursue my career and that Randy would finish school before we decided to have children.

Lots of my friends were “baby hungry” and while I knew I wanted to be a mom and was super excited to be a mom, I wasn’t feeling that “baby fever” to have a baby right away or anything. Which I was really grateful for. I thanked Heavenly Father for not giving me that “baby hunger” and asked if I could just hold off getting it until we were SUPPOSED to have a baby. I didn’t want to just want a baby, I wanted to know that it was the next step for our family and that the timing was right.

So we went through our first year of marriage, then the first year and a half, blissfully happy and moving forward in our lives. I progressed in my career in ways I was extremely proud of, Randy finally got settled into a school and was on his way into the Accounting Program, and we were just thrilled with that.

Then around November/December of last year, I started to feel a tug. A whisper. “Someone’s missing.” I ignored it completely. We were in NO position to have a baby in my mind.

But the tug kept pulling.

I remember one specific day in December, a friend of ours posted that they were going to have a baby. Randy and I drove home that night and I was sobbing. I was SO happy for them, but my heart was also SO jealous and wanted that too. Randy, of course, is perfect and said that once I decided I wanted to start trying, he was on board. He said he had been dreaming of being a dad since we had started dating (of course we wouldn’t have done that then) but that he was SO excited to be a dad and knew that we would make it work.

I cried and cried saying we couldn’t afford it, saying that I didn’t want to keep working full time and that he needed to finish school and about a million other things.

A few days later we decided to look seriously at our “baby timeline.”

We had said we wouldn’t have a baby for a LONG time, maybe start trying after Randy graduated. But that was obviously not going to be the case now. Because we knew that Randy would be graduating in December of 2018, we decided January of 2018 would be a great time to start trying.

I felt really good about that, and was able to put it out of my head. Our timeline was adjusted, we would have a baby sooner than I thought, and we could spend 2017 getting ready.

A few weeks later we got our tax return, and it was MUCH larger than we had expected! We were floored, and debated what to do with the extra money. Pay off a car? Put it in savings for tuition or for a baby?

I couldn’t get the thought out of my head that we should go to Japan. Randy hadn’t seen his grandparents in 10 years, and not since he had learned to speak Japanese. I had never met them. They are older, and we just don’t know how much time they will have left. I knew it would be harder for us to travel once we had a baby (and more expensive) so we prayed and thought, and decided going to Japan would be a great idea.

We started making plans and booking and I was THRILLED.

But in the back of my head there was always the baby.

I heard the whisper more and more that someone was missing. That we were supposed to go to Japan so we would have the chance to go before we had a baby.

I started panicking. How in the world could we do this?

I messaged dozens of girlfriends who had husbands in school and a baby, asking how they did it. (If you were one of the people I messaged, THANK YOU. You have no idea how much you helped me.) They were all SO optimistic and happy. They said that it wasn’t always easy, shared some of their tips and tricks, and then every, single one of them bore their testimony to me that God provides, that if it’s the right time then things work out. They all told me that they sacrifice and work hard, but that it is so worth it.

I started praying and explaining to Heavenly Father all the reasons why we couldn’t start trying to have a baby before January 2018. It went something like this: “I felt like I was supposed to graduate quickly to have a career, and I’m moving up in my career and having a baby could harm that. Randy is working SO hard in school and doesn’t have to work right now which is really helping him to well in classes. I don’t want to work full time and be a mom so I don’t think it would work. I don’t know how we’d have insurance. Randy really wants to be a great dad and I’m worried it would take away from his studies.” on and on and on.

Finally one day after saying all these reasons again and again, it felt like I got a sit-down chat with Heavenly Father.

Don’t you think I know that Randy has school work? Don’t you think I know that you’ll need money? Don’t you think I know how hard you both have worked? Don’t you think I know you need insurance? Don’t you think I know all the things you’ll need and all the things you’ve worked hard for? And don’t you think I know what’s best, and how you’ll get through it?

I can’t explain how hard that hit me.

After listening to a LDS Face-to-Face devotional the next day, and some serious prayer, it was made absolutely clear to me that this was the right next step. And that even though I was so scared, it would be OK.

That was in April, we left to Japan in May (which was amazing and one of the best decisions we could have made), and got pregnant in August.

Randy has been the absolute pillar of faith in all this. I have learned SO much about faith in these past six months. I have been wildly uncomfortable with walking forward in the dark, not being sure at all what’s ahead.

And it has been miraculous to me to see how perfectly things have worked out. How things have lined up. Not to say it’s all sunshine and roses, easy-peasy. But with our hard work, things have lined up.

It’s been miraculous to me how I’ll listen to a conference talk that will speak EXACTLY to my faith, or flip open my scriptures and read EXACTLY what I need. It’s amazing that a talk in church or a lesson will bring me to tears because it’s SO OBVIOUS how much God knows my heart and my fears.

I’ve had about a million heroes of faith from Nephi, not knowing beforehand what he should do, to Mary the mother of Christ, who didn’t ask questions and didn’t need all the details before committing to moving forward. It’s not about going in blind or being unprepared. It’s about being as prepared as you can be, but mainly being prepared to TRUST in the Lord and move forward.

And every time I start panicking about how unsure it all is, Randy just simply says, “We have always been provided for, it has always worked out, and we have always had what we need and been happy.” And he’s right.

And man, oh man. After we saw that little baby squirming and punching and seemingly smile at us, I get it. It’s already been so worth it and made us happier than I ever imagined.

Now let me finish this out. I’m not saying just go out and have a baby willy-nilly. Randy and I have saved and done extensive research, planned and prepared for this baby. I don’t think you’re ever as perfectly ready as you’d like to be, but I think it’s insanely important to save and plan, prepare and do anything you can to be ready.

And then let God make up the difference.

I am saying that it was made perfectly clear to us that someone was missing, and that if we made the CHOICE ourselves to have a baby, that it was the right time and things would work out. I don’t at all feel like we were told we HAD to have a baby. I felt the whole time that if we wanted and chose to do so, it would be the right time and it would allllll work out.

If I have to say one thing, it’s that God is SO REAL and loves us so much. Being pregnant has given me the teeniest, tiniest glimpse of that. Because I am already so protective and love this baby so fiercely. I can’t even imagine how much more I will feel once he’s here. And I can’t imagine how much more God loves us.

I seriously took ZERO pictures of Thanksgiving. We were running around like crazy people and I feel so dumb for forgetting! Oh well! You can look at my popping belly and decide if it’s pie or baby in there.

Before we left to spend time up north for the break, we decorated our little apartment for Christmas. It was SO fun to put up our tree and all our decorations. I’m in love with Christmas!

Wednesday after Randy finished school, we headed up to Kaysville for the break!

We immediately did a gender reveal for my family, who were all in town for the holiday. It was SO fun (see next post for the video!)

We then had a Thanksgiving dinner with my immediate family which was really fancy and so special! We celebrated my brother in California who passed the bar (Way to go Ben!) and baby boy Low!

Wednesday night we played games with my cousins and ate pie, having a blast.

Thursday we woke up early to go play our Thanksgiving Frisbee game. We’re all getting old and there wasn’t very many of us, so we didn’t last long! We did a Thanksgiving Gratitude Journal entry, made brussels sprouts, and got ready for the day. We popped in on my extended family Thanksgiving for a bit before heading up to Logan for Randy’s family Thanksgiving.

We did a gender reveal with his extended family the moment we arrived, which was so fun!

We spent the day playing games, eating delicious food, and making music! It was just the best day!

We stayed up way too late again Thursday night eating pie and hanging out with cousins.

Friday, we were up bright and early to do some shopping! Randy and I spent WAY too much money and got most of our Christmas shopping done! We also got some deals on stuff for our little dude, which was too fun.

We went back to Kaysville to decorate for Christmas at my mom’s, and have a delicious dinner with Randy’s parents. We stayed up super late AGAIN playing games and decorating the Christmas tree.

Saturday we went to see Wonder and it was SUCH a good movie! It’s unfair to make a pregnant mom of a little boy watch that movie though. I was BAWLING the whole time!

Randy had to do some school work up at the University so I did some more shopping, then we went to a delicious Ramen Restaurant in Ogden and saw the Ogden Christmas Light Parade, which was really fun.

We headed home and spent Sunday relaxing and getting caught up on all our house things. It was one of the best Thanksgiving weekends I can remember, and we’re THRILLED that next year we will have our little man with us!

Don’t worry, I’ll be posting a whole video and blog post all about finding out the gender of Baby Low!

We are THRILLED to be having a little boy, and I’ll tell you all more about it in that post! (I just have to get my act together and edit the video!)

For my Maternity Monday, I wanted to share one of my very favorite shops Wight Gold. It has the CUTEST stuff and they are having a HUGE Cyber Monday sale and posting new arrivals every few hours!

I seriously LOVE Wight Gold, they have darling things and as I’ve been shopping for things that I can keep wearing throughout the pregnancy, they’ve been one of my favorites! You can clearly tell which items will keep working, and they even have a “nursing friendly” section of the website to make it obvious which items will be great for after Baby Low arrives! I’m seriously in love with this shop! And it’s owned by the SWEETEST girl, for sure go check it out!

Symptoms: If I move around too fast I still feel nauseous, and I can’t eat as much at each meal as normal! So I eat a smaller meal and then I’m hungry again in a few hours haha!

Sleep: I’ve been sleeping better at night, but I am still SO tired! 

Baby is: The size of a box of Crayola Crayons (or an avocado). My sister told us that if people kept growing at the rate they do before they are born, they’d be bigger than the earth by age 5! Super crazy!

Gender: BABY BOY! I have already bought SO many things for our little dude.

Dad is: So helpful! He was sick this week and still was hopping up and down, getting me anything I need. He’s so sweet. I hope our little boy is JUST like his daddy.

Mom is craving: This week I was in love with the mashed potatoes and gravy from Thanksgiving! 

Funny things this week: We put out an Instagram poll for the gender of Baby Low, and over 75% of people thought it was a girl! We were all surprised together, but it just makes so much sense and totally fits that we are having a darling little dude.

I am 14 weeks pregnant! It feels like it’s going by SO SLOWLY and at the same time, too fast!

I wanted to share some of my favorite maternity things from the first trimester (I’ll probably also be doing a YouTube video, so stay tuned for that) and give a little bumpdate!

Symptoms: I’m still not super sick, but randomly will feel nauseous. Especially if I’m moving really fast which is ridiculous, so running and working out hard has become not possible! I have been getting some headaches but as I keep drinking water they go away pretty quickly.

Sleep: I sleep pretty well at night, but am SO tired all the time! I go to bed early and still wake up tired! They weren’t joking when they said this is exhausting work!

Baby is: The size of a troll doll or a beet! It’s crazy that it keeps getting so big! I feel like yesterday we looked at our app and baby was the size of a poppy seed. All of the limbs, organs and everything are developed, and will just keep growing bigger!

Gender: We will hopefully find out this week! Crossing our fingers that baby cooperates!

Dad is: SO EXCITED. Randy is SO sweet about the baby and every day just says he can’t wait for the baby to be here, and wishes it would come sooner. He is carrying around our little plush alien toy from Toy Story and pretending it’s the baby, practicing how to hold it and do things with only one hand hahaha.

Mom is craving: Not really anything, but it’s so strange that chocolate (my normal love) isn’t always on my mind. It’s very weird not to need a piece of chocolate during the day the way I normally would! I eat less at each meal because I start to feel too full, but still need lots of snacks between meals, which is funny. I’ve been craving sour things most of the pregnancy, acai bowls or sour gummies. There are these amazing sour dolphin gummies at a candy store in our mall that I’m OBSESSED with. I randomly craved pie crust cookies about 6 weeks in, and when we didn’t have the ingredients I started BAWLING. I also had a funny hankering for Frosted Mini Wheats that made me bawl, because I was so excited to know what sounded good!

Funny things this week: I keep thinking I feel the baby move, but Randy doesn’t believe me! Maybe I am, maybe I’m not…who knows! I’m emotional ALL the time (even more than usual) and even cried a few weeks ago when I heard a goose in the sky, all by itself. I was so worried it was looking for its family.

My first trimester loves:

I have had a few things that I LOVED during my first trimester, here they are!

This weekend was CRAZY. Friday entailed celebrating a friend’s birthday at Bombay house, a treat with my family after half of them went to see The Nutcracker, and getting to bed SUPER late.

Saturday, Randy and I went to go see The Nutcracker put on by Clytie Adams School of Ballet.

I feel like I write the same thing about this every year, but I really don’t care.

I’ll keep it short and sweet. Basically, much of my childhood and teenage years were spent in one of four little dance studios. I can’t honestly put into words what that ballet school means to me. I knew every picture on the wall. I had a spot on the little bench where I would put my things. I learned how to fail, and how to succeed. I learned that correction comes when teachers care, and that I could do things even if I wasn’t sure that I could. I learned that hard work and practice pay off.

I started out every holiday season wearing curlers to school and running around the Val Browning Center, buttoning up costumes or pinning in hairpieces.

I know nearly every step to every dance in that whole show. I know every note, every crash of the cymbal. I know the moments in dances where you gasp for breath because you are SO exhausted. I know the fear of slipping on a fog-covered floor and the loudness of the downstairs dressing room.

When Clytie came out this year and talked about those feeling nostalgia, remembering putting on their makeup and worrying they’ll someday forget the dance steps, I lost it.

I will forever be so grateful for the years I spent in those dance studios, and on stage doing something I loved. And I will forever be so insanely grateful for teachers, and Clytie, who made ballet so much more than just an extracurricular activity.

I feel like since we announced our pregnancy, life has been crazy! I have barely had a minute to think.

We had a great Halloween dressing up like John Lennon and Yoko Ono (Randy wanted to be the scariest thing he could think of – so he chose to be the woman who broke up the Beatles)

We’ve been having relaxed weekends, going to dinner with friends and having movie nights, spending lots of time with family and it’s all been awesome. I’m going to be better at regularly updating I promise!

I have been SO lucky and haven’t been feeling crazy sick with the pregnancy, which has been amazing. I have random cravings (ask Randy about the time I cried when we didn’t have ingredients for the cookies I wanted) and have been SO tired, but feeling really good and very lucky!

We are gearing up for the holiday season and can’t wait to find out the gender of Baby L!

If you know Randy, you know he’s SUCH a classy dresser. He loves shopping as much as I do and is crazy about making sure his haircut is right. One of his biggest complaints is that there aren’t enough options when it comes to men’s clothing. And he’s totally right! There just aren’t a lot of cool or interesting things to do with guys clothing. That is why he and I both LOVE places like Zuzu Wear because they are doing their part to give guys some awesome options when it comes to clothing. Their ties are seriously AWESOME and such good quality! I love that they are all about skinny ties (Randy doesn’t love regular or thick ties, because he’s so tall and skinny) and they always have cool patterns. They are really adding new dimensions and class to men’s fashion and Randy and I are huge fans. We loved partnering with them, and hope we can find more awesome places for men’s fashion that share their passion!

But just check out how good the tie (and the guy) look!

I’m sure most of you don’t care, but I want to document some pregnancy updates here on the blog.

Yesterday we got to have an ultrasound and see little baby L rub its eyes, punch me, flip around, and smile at us straight on. It is SO crazy how baby is already a little, tiny person. I can’t imagine loving anything more.

I’ve been lucky and haven’t felt too sick at all! I’ll feel nauseous at some point during most days, and I’m SO tired. But I’m feeling very lucky to not feel insanely sick most days.

Randy has been absolutely wonderful, cooking dinner and bringing flowers. He says once a day how much he wishes the baby was here already. We have a little plush toy alien (the one from Toy Story) and Randy has been carrying it around, practicing for the baby. It’s adorable!

We are feeling very happy and lucky, and so in love with our apricot-sized nugget!

We had a really fun time telling our family and close friends about baby Low!

Funny story, we were planning on telling my parents at the same time as my siblings, but of course, life got in the way! My parents are planning a trip to Europe with a group, and had to put down a deposit. They would leave a few weeks after our baby is due, and while I knew I still wanted them to go and they should go, I wanted them to have all the information before making a final decision! They were going to put down a deposit one night, and I was BAWLING because I didn’t want to tell them over the phone! Randy told me we could go there, we could FaceTime, whatever I wanted. So I just decided to call and tell them! They were SO excited and it was good I told them so they could book their trip knowing about the baby and everything like that.

I was having a family birthday party the next weekend so we wrapped up some onesies and baby shoes for me to unwrap as a gift from Randy. Our families were SO surprised, it was awesome! We also told some of our close friends at the fair after Alexon won a giant prize.

We are so lucky baby Low already has so many people to love!

Every year I try to do a series on gratitude during the month of November. Mostly it’s just me jotting down a few things I’m grateful for and not really much else. This year, I realized late last night that I was already behind. Already. Behind. On day 1.

I wanted to do something big and beautiful and worthy of celebrating for November, focusing in on this Thanksgiving and how extraordinarily lucky I am.

But I am already late.

But that’s OK.

So for this year’s series on Gratitude, I’m going to tell stories or share quotes or share something I’m grateful for. I’m not going to feel bad about being behind because this baby I’m growing makes me want to go to sleep at 8:30. I’m not going to play a million days of catch up when I do fall behind. I’m just going to be grateful for being grateful, and love this time of life I’m lucky enough to be in.

Today, I’m grateful for imperfection. We learn so much from the things that go wrong or the things we do wrong. We grow stronger, we become closer to others as we struggle together, we get to know the difference between feeling broken and feeling whole. Imperfection is beautiful and there’s a reason we are all imperfect. It’s so when we do eventually become perfect someday, we understand the difference, and we appreciate the struggle.