So last night I went and saw The Vow. It was really hard to watch, but incredible. I loved it. And it really got me thinking. In the show, they talk about moments of impact. And so I thought I should probably keep track of some of my moments of impact.

-My first memory is playing with Jennifer and Ashley in the front yard. I don’t know how old I was. It was a good day 🙂

-Kindergarton. Playing with Lydia and Ken on the little toy and Mrs. Newman reading stories. I remember going to ballet and skipping and jumping and being spghetti and being in our house behind the bar. Meeting Carly.

-First Grade. Mrs. Child telling my mom I was a good writer, but I should write about real things not just pretend things. I wasn’t sure what she meant, the things I was writing about were real to me.

-Second Grade. I remember Dylan inviting me to his birthday parties, Mr. W’s stories and his glass eye, talking about the Olympics, and getting baptized. I remember wanting to not do anything wrong ever so I would never be unclean.

-Third Grade. I remember going into Spectrum for the first time. Not really knowing anybody, then becoming friends with some girls. That was a moment of impact. I remember getting hit in the face with a soccer ball and being chosen to be the lead part for the third graders in the play.

-Fourth grade moment of impact was loving to write. Being in the play. Being the judge and newspaper writer in our mini-state.

-Fifth grade moments of impact were realizing that people in my old school thought I was different.

-Sixth grade moments of impact were dancing with boys, being the lead in the play, playing soccer with the boys at recess.

-Seventh grade was hard. Trying to fit back in, loving junior high but also hating it, running track and trying to make new friends but always wanting to stay with the old. Going to the temple.

-Eighth grade was full of drama. I remember loving yearbook even though sometimes I know they were talking about me. I pretended not to notice or not to care. I remember walking around the neighborhood and summer days when the boys came and sat on my front porch. My patriarchal blessing.

-Ninth grade I remember too many things. Things I’d rather forget, even though they were all moments of impact. I do remember writing a paper about Charlotte Bronte and absolutely loving to write it.

-Sophomore year. I remember being excited for high school, working at Cherry Hill, Mrs. Hall telling me she really liked me as a student. Jackson. Dating and driving and feeling on top of the world. I came crashing back to reality pretty hard. But I learned. My brother opened his mission call and left. I realized this year how much I loved the temple.

-Last year the moments of impact are too many. Being on DTV and realizing I loved it. Taking the ACT. Fighting with my parents and loving them the next minute for something they did. Realizing my new house wasn’t the same, that my sisters and I didn’t play some things any more. My brother was gone. Productions which was probably the best thing that happened to me. Being in the Advanced ballet class. Too many things to name.

This year I’m still having moments of impact. And I just hope that I can remember them all and remember how they changed me.

So once upon a time there was a girl named Patsy. Patsy loved Jay and Jay loved her back. They were incredibly happy. They had friends. Named Susan and Jeanette and Jennifer and Tiffany. And then there were the boys named Conner and Anthony and Peter. And Susan loved Conner, but she was dating Anthony because they’d been together forever and couldn’t change it now. And Anthony loved Jeanette who loved Peter but Peter didn’t love anybody because Patsy had broken his heart. And Tiffany really wanted to date Conner but she knew that Anthony would be mad because Tiffany had sworn off men after everything that had happened.

Confused?

So were they.

So Randy got sick. And then I got sick. And he came and brought me flowers, watched movies with me, argued with me when I was grumpy, played with my hair and everything. It was nice, not nice to be sick, but nice to know that while I was sick someone was missing me. Someone cared.

Then I got better 🙂

And then I played with Ash and Spoon over the weekend while Bandy went dancing. It was hawkward, but still very fun. Then Spoon tried to retire his nickname. Silly boy, I’ve been trying to do that for years. Long story short, some things will always be a part of you, whether or not you try to get rid of them.

Silly Spooner.

One time, I was in these plays. Called One Act Plays. And they were absolutely fabulous. And wonderful. And amazing. And I made really amazing friends doing them. And I learned things about me. And about life. The quotes and memories that I have will last for a long…..long time.

HEY THAT’S A FOUL.

Your mom’s a foul.

See what I mean?

And then High School Musi-pocalypse is going to Region. Whatever. It’s going to be great. And it’s going to be hard…but it will be fun and hopefully we’ll do well.

Basically I get to keep doing what I love doing. Acting out a show that’s a parody of a cheesy romance show, where I get to be the girl with the perfect life. Whatever, it happens.

Good times, good times.

I have a calling. It’s called playing the piano for the Primary kids during singing time. I love it so so so SO much. The kids scream and try to sing over each other, they are so engaged whenever we talk about Jesus, they love playing little games, and are so easily distracted. In a lot of ways, I wish I was more like them. And I’m going to try to be. They love coming to church and learning about Jesus. They don’t think it’s uncool to sing, or play the games. They hold hands and hug, fight for a minute and then forgive. They think everyone looks pretty and don’t judge me when I miss a note.

So long story short, I think Christ had a point when he asked us to be like little children. Not be childish, but be child-like. Through this calling, and actually this ward, I’ve learned even more how much I love little kids. I think it’s in part that I feel so close to my own kids that I don’t know yet. Somehow, Heavenly Father has blessed me to kind of know them, to know who I need to be so that they can be a part of my life. And that’s something I’m truly grateful for. So long story short, it’s my goal to be more like a little child, to be the kind of person that can raise children. 🙂

So maybe I heard this song today. And it reminded me of you.

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I’m afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

[Chorus:]
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What’s standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

[Chorus:]
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

[Chorus:]
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

Here’s a little story 🙂

Once upon a time there was a bird. This little bird was great until one day, right before she was supposed to learn how to fly, she saw a bug. This bug convinced her to stay on the ground.

So she stayed with the bug.

Until she learned that the bug made her protect him from all the other animals that might eat him. He made her provide shelter for him in the rain and help him find food. She kept staying with the bug because the bug would tell her how wonderful and strong she was, how much he loved her protection and how much he appreciated her. But the bug could do nothing for the bird in return, and the bird never expected anything back.

Once she saw all the other birds flying, and realized she was on the ground with a good-for-nothing bug, she decided to leave the bug. The bug was angry and swore he would never compliment or flatter her again if she left.

The bird was very very sad. Then, another bird approached. The other bird told her she was a very beautiful bird and that she should spread her wings and learn to fly. The bird was skeptical to listen to this other bird, after all, the bug had taken advantage of the bird. This other bird might do the same.

The other bird said he would teach her how to fly. So they practiced every day. And they chirped with laughter at some things and cried together when the bird fell. One day while practicing, the bug crawled by and laughed and laughed, saying that the bird would never learn how to fly. She was good for nothing. The second bird dried her tears and told her that she would fly one day.

Slowly, the bird learned to trust the other bird. One night, the other bird said he thought she was ready to fly. The bird was very excited. She asked him to come with her, but he said no. It was something she had to do herself. She said she would rather stay on the ground with him than fly alone. The other bird said no, then he would be no better than the bug.

So the next day, she flew. Alone.

And after she learned to fly alone, they flew. Together.

These girls are pretty great. Basically, productions is pretty great. And we get to sing again tomorrow. I wanted to share something I learned from productions that I think a lot of people need to learn. I realize that not a lot of people read this little blog, but I need to say this for me. So I have on record that I learned this and I can know how important it is.

Let go.

Some people are supposed to be in your life forever. Some people only have a paragraph or a page or a chapter in your life story. Don’t ever regret that page, but don’t let it ruin the rest of them. I love every single person I met in productions last year and this year, as well as friends I had in the past. I will never, ever regret the time I spent with them because of the things I learned. But if I lived my life for the rest of time wishing for that back, pouring my energy into the things that are gone, it would be a complete waste. I’m not saying I will ever not keep in touch with those people or remember and laugh about all the good times. I’m just saying that they are going to shift in my heart, from being such a huge part in the present, to being a part of the past. You can’t keep every character from your life exactly where they are. Don’t try to, because then you loose the chance to meet the characters that need to be in the now. I love every friend I’ve had, the Viewmont kids, the productions kids, girls from ballet, and all the childhood friends that I don’t really remember. But the important thing is to keep people in perspective. Who needs to be in your life now? Who needs to be a great memory that you sometimes get to say hi to in the grocery store? Who needs to be someone that you let go of? That’s all.

Rasin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the reason I have trust issues.

This is so very true. NO but really, have you seen those cookies?? You grab one and you’re like “Oh this will be so yummy and CHOCOLATEY” Then one GINORMOUS bite later, you have chewy bits of fermented disgusting in your mouth. And then you want to cry because all you wanted was a brown-sugary cookie with a smack of chocolate. Stupid rasins.

So I haven’t blogged in a while. But I need to say something about how wonderful Musical Productions has been. I didn’t think I’d ever get to the point where it was over, and in some ways I don’t think it is over. But I would never, not for a million dollars, change what I’ve learned and been through during the past two years of productions. I made lifelong friends and had life-changing experiences. I learned how to breathe, and be myself, and give, and let go, all at the same time. Everyone in my productions family is amazing and we were all part of the experience for a reason. I figured out my reason and I think everyone was part of the experience to help me more than anything. I learned so much from everyone. I have a family who I love, Traditions are important, I will always belong to Anatevka, we’ll always be One Voice, we’ll all be Homeward Bound again soon. Shows come and go, people don’t have to.